And I was always aware that it wasn’t fair. They were happy that I was still there, and Ihatedthat I was. I hated that they huggedmeand kissedmeand gavemetheir attention because that meant that Jinx wasn’t there to share it. That meant that Jinx was gone and I was alone.
They found ways to just…survive, and I didn’t want survival. I just wanted Jinx back.
“Why?” March whispered, wiping my other cheek with his thumb, too. “Where did all that pain come from?”
I wanted to tell him—I did. I just didn’t have the wordsfor it nor the courage to say more without doing exactly what he’d seen me do in the woods.
So, I shook my head, forced my thoughts to clear and my lips to stretch into a smile, and said, “And the neutral?”
The look in his eyes turned darker still. He smiled for my sake, and I appreciated it. For a moment I thought he might insist I tell him, and I would haverunif he did, but no.
Instead, he said, “That’s my favorite memory of all—both my own and yours.”
“Oh?”
“You’re sitting in front of a lake somewhere,” he said, and little by little, word by word, his smile turned more genuine. “You’re thinking something about an octopus—I keep hearing the word echoing in your head. You have your knees up and your elbows on them, and you’re staring at the darkening sky, the green lake, the mountains beyond. You’re…breathing.You’re existing. No pain, no sadness or happiness—you’re just sitting there.”
My own smile was genuine now, too. “That doesn’t sound very impressive.” But I knew what he talked about this time, too. I’d done that same thing plenty of times, both alone and when we went for picnics. I’d sat by the lake shaped like an octopus, and I’d just stared at the world, had detached myself from it.Neutral,just like that spinner had demanded.
A long sigh left me, and when my eyes closed, no more tears slipped down my cheeks.
“Thanks for that,” I told March. I didn’t expect it, to be honest, but I did feel much better knowing what I lost. Now, I’d never forget.
“Thankyou,” March said, dragging himself closer to me and pushing my hair back behind my ear.
I smiled a little, wiped my face again. “I’m a mess.” My eyes were probablyred, too.
“The most beautiful mess I’ve ever seen,” March whispered, and just like that, my heart picked up the beating again.
He was close, the colors in his eyes vivid, the heat of his skin begging to be enjoyed. But there were others there as well. All the other Hands, who were done sharing the memories, too.
March took my hand and squeezed it, and he didn’t let go again for a while.
“Well, that was something,” Russ said after a tick went by in silence, while we all gathered ourselves, wiped our cheeks.Settledwith the old memories—or at least the idea of them.
“They just…took our memories. Just like that,” said Levana, sniffing hard.
“They didn’t—we gave them away,” said Seth.
“But we had to. They wouldn’t have let us into the game otherwise,” said Cook. “I feel a little…”
“Violated,” Mimi finished for him.
And that was the exact right word for me, too.
“It’s the Turning Trials. They’re notdangerousper se, but we didn’t really expect them to be easy, did we?” Reggie said. “We knew there would be sacrifices to make.”
“I honestly thought it would be fun games to play and reporters and people coming to take our autographs,” said Russ, shaking his head. “How comenobodybut the warden has spoken to us since? How come they haven’t interviewed us, haven’t asked us how we won the game?”
Hmm. I hadn’t considered that until now, butit didseem a little strange now that he mentioned it.
“I don’t think I’ve seen footage of the other Hands in the older trials talkingbeforethe end of them…did I?” Anika wondered, and I was thinking about the same thing.
“I didn’t, either. I’ve gone through the whole archive—Ididn’t see a single one breaking down the trials,” I said in wonder. “I never even realized it.”
“They will not let anybody into the Labyrinth until an actual trial,” Silas said. “And even then they’re heavily monitored.”
“They are?” a few of us asked.
