The door closed behind her, and cut off the sound of her laughter abruptly.
Thank Time.
A few sighs.A few deep breaths.
“Well.” Calren cleared his throat, pressed his cane against the floor. “Shall we eat, then?”
None of us were in a talking mood. Most stuffed food in their mouths in a rush—March, Silas and Reggie included—and left the eating hall to go rest ten minutes later.
Everyone would be going out to the garden again later—no secret there. But whether I went or not, I hadn’t decided yet.
With my stomach full, I said my goodnights a few minutes later and left the eating hall by myself—only to find March was still there in the hallway alone, kicking the edge of the wall with the tip of his boot lightly, waiting.
Forme.
Damn it, I’d deliberately waited five minutes to leave afterheleft to avoid having to run into him out here. Now there he was, his eyes full, his cheeks pale when he turned to look at me. I couldn’t even entertain the possibility that he might let me just walk past him, because of the look in his eyes alone.
There were definitely words on his tongue.
“Ora,” he said, only blood didn’t rush to my cheeks the way it normally would. All I felt was…badthings.
“Stick to Spade,” I said, and walked down the hallway, certain that he’d stop me. Prepared to shout at him if necessary, even run away from there.
But to my surprise, March closed his eyes and lowered his head as I passed by, and didn’t say another word.
I’d told him once that I didn’t like it when he called meSpade,because it made me feel unimportant. But he had again the night before. He’d called me Spade, and I would rather he never said my name again. It was just too personal, and now that I knew how he really felt about what we’d done, I preferred he didn’t get personal with me in any way, no matter how much it hurt.
And I wouldnot cry.I promised myself after last night—I just wouldn’t. No more tears left in me, anyway.
However, when I went back to my bedroom, I tried to draw something, but the only thing Iwantedto draw was March—so I refused. Tomorrow would be the last day I saw him, and I would rather start moving ontonight.I would rather talk myself into not feelingbetrayedstarting tonight.
I knew I had no right. I knew we never said he’d ever owe me anything. It wasmychoice to go to his room. My choice, and he wasn’t responsible for it.
Hewasresponsible for being an asshole, though. But it didn’t even matter.
It didn’t take long for Anika to come knocking on my door—she’dcome to gather us to sneak out tonight, it seemed.
I’d had half a mind to decline tonight—that wholemoving on starting tonightthing—but the walls of the room were closing in on me, and I wasn’t going to sleep anytime soon. So when she waved for me to follow her, I took one look back at the empty bed and sighed. Might as well kill another hour before I had to lie in it and stare at the ceiling.
We went to the kitchen first, then sat in the garden in our usual spot between the two trees, stolen snacks in hand, eating while the gears shifted beneath us. The sky above us was wound tight with stars tonight, and the Great Clock loomed over us, as impressive as ever. All twelve of us were out together this time.
I sat with Mimi and Seth on the ground, opposite from March, and though I felt his eyes on my face every now and again, he no longer looked at me like he had something to say.
Which was somehowworse—and it drove me mad. I couldn’t figure myself out at all when it came to him.
“Tomorrow,” Russ said, leaning back against the brasstrunk to our left. “By this time tomorrow, I’m officially done pretending this was a reasonable life choice.”
Laughter—and I smiled, too.
We were all ready to admit that coming to the Turning Trials had indeed been a bad,badidea.
Seth glanced around the circle. “I’ll tell you this much—if we survive tomorrow still intact, I want it noted that I hated every moment of these trials.”
“Thatwillbe noted,” Mimi said cheerfully. “By absolutelyno one.”
More laughter as Seth slammed his elbow into her gut. She didn’t even care.
“In all honesty, though, I did hate the trials, too. But I will miss thisplace, as strange as it is. I’ll miss it a lot,” she said. Something about those words that had my insides trembling.
