Tears flowed freely down my cheeks again. I angrily swiped at them, trying to understand what he was telling me. Love?
Love?
“I guess when we were young, I suspected that’s how I felt. Later on, I tried not to think about you at all. But no matter how hard I tried to forget about it...” He shook his head lightly, and glossy eyes full of emotion flicked up to meet mine. “Then youcame back. I saw you on the beach at the bonfire, and I just knew. I just... knew.”
He was wrong. He meant he had a crush on me, like I had on him. He wasn’t in love with me. I would’ve known. I would’ve known how he felt. HowIfelt.
Wouldn’t I?
Oh God.Oh God, oh God, oh God...
“You don’t have to say anything,” he told me, shaking his head like the weight of the world was on his shoulders. “I know, trust me. It’s why I didn’t talk to you when I drove out to Harvard last year. We’re in different worlds. You’ve got a megawatt-bright future, and I have nothing.”
“Seb—” I said, voice cracking.
“You’re headed for the stars, and I’m deadweight. Iwillhold you back, and that can’t happen. You’re probably going to end up with some high-paying professor gig at another Ivy League, or some important museum job, and what the fuck can I add to that? Nothing of value.”
I shook my head rapidly. “I don’t believe that.”
“No? Well, it gets worse when youreallyget to know me. I haven’t told you everything. I’ve done bad shit, Paige.Reallybad shit. If you knew, you wouldn’t even speak to me, much less let me crash in your house.”
“That can’t be true,” I whispered.
“Well, it is.”
He wasso angry. It scared me a little, just for a second. My heart had a long memory and was still wary of how much emotional pain he could inflict if he wanted. But when I squinted at his face I saw through the mask to the pain underneath. Very real pain that I could almost physically feel radiating from him.
“When we were in high school, I went out collecting with Paul,” he said gruffly.
I didn’t know what that meant and shook my head.
“It’s for Big Burg. When people don’t pay up, he sends collectors. We had to get the money by any means. Beat the shit out of them, steal it...” He shook his head and shivered like someone had walked over his grave. “There are people around town I still can’t face because of what I did to them years ago. I’m ashamed, Paige. I’m fucking ashamed, and if I could take back all that time I spent running around with Paul, I would do it in a heartbeat.”
“Oh, Seb,” I whispered, wiping away fat tears that just wouldn’t stop.
He shrugged loosely, looking broken. “So that’s why I know it could never really happen between us. I know you deserve so much more than I can ever give you. I know all that, okay? I knew it when I agreed to move in, and I should’ve told you no. But I couldn’t because I’m weak, and I’m a fuckup, and... I wanted you, even when I knew I couldn’t have you. Jesus, Paige. When we were going to bring four tents, all I could think about was how I could get you into mine because I’m a selfish fuck.”
“Youremoved the two tents from the Land Rover,” I said, flabbergasted.
“I can’t even trust myself, Paige. How can I ask you to?”
I didn’t know how to respond to that.
“Sothere. There it all is, the ugly truth.” He held up his arms like he’d just been caught shoplifting. “You didn’t force me into moving in. I moved in, knowing all this—knowing that you didn’t feel the same way, that we weren’t really on the same page. Knowing Ishouldn’t. But I did it anyway, and if you hate me now, I understand. I’ll move out.”
I was trembling so hard, it felt like an earthquake was erupting inside my body. My brain struggled to process what it’d just heard. How could I think properly when there was a firework display exploding inside my chest?
“Sebastian Jansen, if you say one more word about what you think I deserve or how different we are, I will punch you right in your beautiful face.”
“Listen to me—”
“No, you listen to me. What if weareon the same page? Huh? What if we are? Does that change anything?”
He stared at me with wild eyes, a fight-or-flight expression contorting his face. I could almost see wheels turning inside his head.
“What do you mean, Paige? Say what you mean because I think I’m misunderstanding...”
Without another thought, I erased the distance between us and craned my neck to kiss him. Hard. It probably felt like an attack. I just needed him to understand.
