A laptop sat on a coffee table in front of a giant green couch scattered with blankets and a pillow. Clothes were piled in a chair and on the floor. Daniel hurriedly moved the blankets to the far side of the couch. “Wasn’t expecting company,” he said, apologizing. “Here. Have a seat.”
Holding my purse in my lap, I sank into the funky sofa. And sank and sank... “Whoa.” I tried to pull myself up, and the springs bounced. “It’s like a playground ride.”
He laughed. “Yeah, it’s got some mean spring to it. There’s a foldout bed inside, but it smells like mildew and has a metal bar under the mattress that’s a backbreaker.”
I petted the velveteen fabric. “Would you call this shade of green Puke or Infection?”
“I think it’s more of a Rotting Dill Pickle,” he said, sitting next to me. Not close. Definitely putting some safe space between us. “So-o-o. You wanted to talk?”
Did I? I wasn’t so sure anymore. All of this had drained my bravery levels. And the random parrot chirps were making me anxious. “How do you sleep with all that racket?”
“That’s what you wanted to talk about?”
“No.” It was hard to look at his face, but that was okay, because best I could tell from stolen glances, he wasn’t exactly looking at me, either. “I... uh... had some time to think about everything you said. I’ve tried to be honest with myself. It’s not as if I don’t have any doubts or worries about it, because I do. And I’ve been trying to sort them all out.”
“Okay,” he said, crossing his arms over his chest. “Let’s talk about them.”
“Remember when you texted me that Truth or Lie question? You asked if we’d still be together if we hadn’t gone to your car that first night.”
“Yes.”
“And when we were on our stakeout in the park... you said it could have been better between us.”
“I did say that, yes.”
“Well, I was thinking about it. We’ll never know about the first thing. But I’ve been thinking that you’re right about the do-over.” I fumbled around in my purse and gingerly set the box of condoms on the coffee table as if it might explode. And then, because I was nervous, I suppose, I couldn’t stop my mouth from running. “At first I wasn’t sure if we should commit to anything if we weren’t sure. Like, what if we aren’t... compatible that way? Then what do we do? Go back to being friends? Never speak again? But then I realized that we didn’t have to wonder.” I exhaled a long breath.
Silence.
I continued. “What you went through... what you survived? It’s upsetting and painful, and I can only pretend to imagine what it was like. Or how hard it still may be at times. But I’m so glad you told me—that you trusted me enough to share it. And none of what you said scares me off or makes me want to stay away. Not for the reasons you said.”
“But for other reasons?” he asked, his face scrunching up.
“No!” I blew out a hard breath. “None of this is coming out right. It’s only that... I’m worried, just a little, that I may not be what you need, and now your mother is threatening to maim me if I break your heart—”
“What?”
“But then she hugged me after dinner, so I don’t know if that still stands.” I laughed, but it soundedwaytoo forced. “So, anyway,” I said, rubbing my palms on the knees of my jeans. “I was thinking about all of this, and I found that Elvis card, remember? And it’s basically saying relax and go forth and have an adventure. Just do it! Run the gauntlet! So I thought, well, maybe I’m overthinking everything. That first afternoon we met in the diner, we just went with our instincts, and it was all great until I started thinking about what we were doing too much, which made me freak out and leave your car. And Mona is always telling me to relax and enjoy the moment—to stop worrying about the future and consequences and every possible bad thing that can happen. So maybe we should just do that?”
“Do what, exactly?”
“Sex. It will besomuch better this time. I’m sure of it now. I won’t freak out.”It will be great, and everything will be so muchbetter between us, and Daniel won’t get depressed, and I won’t fail him, and he won’t leave me.
Right?
More silence. One of the birds chirped.
He wasn’t saying anything, but the confused way he looked at me told me everything I needed to know. I buried my face in my hands and groaned. “Now that I say it out loud, I realize how dumb it sounds. I’m sorry. I don’t know what I’m doing, and I’m really tired, so all of this is sleepy-brain logic, and that’s never good logic, and—”
“Birdie? Stop it. Look at me.” He tugged my arm until I faced him. “You’re just freaking out about everything I told you yesterday. And that’s okay. It’s natural.”
“I’m not spooked—if that’s what you’re thinking. I mean, I’m worried, because I always worry.” Because I can’t handle anyone else leaving me. “But I don’t want to be that way anymore. I want to stop worrying.”
“And that’s why you want us to have sex again? You want us to run a sex gauntlet?”
“Elvis said that, not me.”
He almost laughed. Not quite. “You know an actual gauntlet is punishment, right? You’re basically equating us having sex with surviving some sort of horrible punishment.”
