Everything inside of me aches. I keep wishing for numbness, but it hasn’t happened yet. I just keep going, for my girls.
For the little boy I’m now guardian of.
Declan.
I feel like I’m running on autopilot at this point. I’ve hardly slept. Chief gave me two weeks family leave to give me time tofind a place big enough for all of us… and to get all of us settled into some kind of new normal.
I only let myself think about Louise at night. When I miss her the most. When my exhausted brain can’t keep her out of my thoughts any longer.
Joel carries the last box out to the moving truck, and I make one more sweep through the house, checking for any forgotten stuffies.
My brother pops his head in through the door. “I’m going to take the truck to the new place. Meet you there.”
He doesn’t wait for a response, and I don’t offer one. I’ll follow in my truck in a few minutes.
The door opens again and I exit my bedroom, flicking off lights as I go. I open my mouth to ask if Joel needs something, but I’m brought up short, because it’s not my brother.
“Is that a moving truck?” Louise demands, her green eyes fiery.
Fuck. Me.
She throws her hands wide. “What the hell, Zach? Why…why?”
Her voice breaks on the last word and it kills me. It fucking kills me. But I can’t explain. I just… I can’t do this. Not after everything. I can’t put any of these kids through what they’ve gone through this week again. I won’t.
Her eyes land on the flowers, still in their vases, on the kitchen counter.
Beautiful white roses. A symbol of grief, loss, farewell… and new beginnings. It was supposed to be our new beginning. And I know I’m hurting her. God, I hate how I’m hurting her. I don’t want to.
I’d walked into that courtroom last week ready to fight tooth and nail for my kids. For the life they deserve. I thought I was prepared for every possible argument or eventuality.
But listening to Brittanee’s court appointed lawyer explain that she was willingly terminating all parental rights toallfourof her children… watching as the mother of these kids answered the judges’ questions, stating that she understood what it meant. That she would have no contact with any of them again. That she would be waived of all child support… That she understood that baby Declan would go into the foster system if no next of kin requested placement…
The way she hadn’t even looked me in the face while she did it. Not once. Just cool indifference to what she was doing to her kids.
So, yeah, I thought I had prepared for everything… but I hadn’t prepared forthis. She’d signed the divorce decree, waited for the judge to dismiss us, and then that was that. She’d walked out and not looked back.
Hatred like I’ve never known had coursed through me.
And I knew right then, I couldn’t give that kind of power to anyone again. Because everyone leaves eventually.
Staring at Louise now, I force my breathing to steady.
She points to the flowers, the ones that I fully intend to leave here.
Fifty-Four
Louise
Ipoint to the flowers still sitting on his counter. The only thing left in the otherwise completely empty house.
I’d pulled in just as Joel was pulling out with the moving truck. He’d braked just long enough to notch his chin at the house, where Zach’s truck was still parked, and I’d raced inside.
“What happened? Why did you block my number?” I ask, but he just stares at me. I step closer, pleading with him. I don’t even care how pathetic I sound. My heart is in my throat. “You said locked in, Zach.You said it. When I said I would walk through the hard stuff with you,I meant it. I meant every single word.Let me in. Please don’t push me away because it got ugly, because it got scary. Tell me what happened, how I can help.Please.”
Zach stares at me, his jaw clenched so tightly I fear he may break a tooth. His eyes, the blue that I have come to love so much, are rife with emotion.
I take another step forward, but he remains where he is. Unmoving. “Please,Zach,” I whisper again.
