When I hear the door close behind her, I open the envelope, finding tickets to the Princess Dinner she’d promised the girls. I’d completely forgotten about it with everything else going on.
Shoving them into my back pocket, I get back to work finishing the handrail. Once it’s tightened and sturdy once more, I pack my toolbox back up and put it in the bed of the truck, and then head inside for dinner with my kids. Trying like hell for some semblance of normal.
But my brother’s words continue to echo in my head.
Fifty-Eight
Zach
Patting Declan’s bottom, I sigh when he finally drifts off to sleep, tucked into his new crib in his own bedroom. This child sleeps like the dead, and he’ll be out until morning.
Crossing the hallway, I poke my head into Bailey and Chloe’s room. They’d insisted on sharing, despite having enough space for each kid to have their own bedroom in this new place. Chloe is asleep, hooded unicorn onesie pulled up over her head, blanket tucked around her chin. Bailey is also asleep, laying diagonally across the bed.
I turn off the light and close the door, then stop at Abigail’s bedroom. I knock, then push the door open.
“Not too much later, okay?” I say, when I see her sitting in bed, coloring in the book I had gotten her, the day Louise had come over to help. Back when everything seemed so easy, despite the chaos. “Thanks for your help with Dec tonight.”
She nods, setting the colored pencil down. “Dad?”
“Yeah?” I say, leaning my shoulder against the door jamb.
“Can I ask you something? And you won’t lie about it?” she asks, almost hesitantly.
I nod, crossing my arms over my chest. “Of course. I don’t ever lie to you.”
“No… but you don’t tell the truth all the time, either,” she says quietly, calling me out. She’s got me there.
“You’re right,” I admit. “I will do better about that, okay?”
She nods, then looks at me. “Why did you break up with Lou? Did… did she not want us, either? Like Mom?”
My chest constricts to the point I fear I may actually be having a heart attack. Fuck. Stepping into the bedroom, I sit on the edge of the bed. “No, I didn’t break up with Lou because she didn’t want you.”
“Then why?” she asks, and I hate the tremor in her voice. “I thought you guys really liked each other…”
“We do,” I whisper, trying to find the right words. “But… sometimes as adults, we have to make really hard choices. Making sure you four kids are protected no matter what, that’s my top priority.”
“So, was Lou bad?” she asks, her brows dipping low in confusion.
“No,” I rush to assure her. “Of course not.”
“Then I don’t understand,” my daughter mutters. “What did you have to protect us from if she wanted all of us and she’s not a bad person? Because… because it seems more like you decided for her that she couldn’t be with us.”
Again, my twelve-year-old clocks me square in the chest. That’s exactly what I did.
“I thought I was doing the right thing,” I admit. But, that’s not the truth, either, is it?
Joel was right. I pushed Louise away because I was scared. I was a coward. I would rather have pushed her away before she had the chance to hurt me. So that’s what I did.
“I miss her.”
I reach out and drag my hand over her head. “I know. I’m sorry.”
“Do you think she misses us?” Abi asks, her lip wobbling, and fuck me to hell. It damn near breaks me.
“Yeah, kiddo, I think she probably does,” I whisper gruffly. She nods, sniffling. “I’ll come back in a little bit to say good night, okay?”
Leaving my oldest, I walk down the hall to my new bedroom. I have nothing unpacked yet. But, I step over to my dresser and open the top left drawer, digging until I find a well-worn, opened-too-many-times-envelope. And I pull out the letter inside, the one I’d found again when we moved, and I read the words I’ve read probably a hundred times over the years.
