They laughed together, the moonbrew perhaps making thisfunnier than it was. But it felt so normal that Emory forgot everything else as they kept reminiscing about their time at Aldryn. She suddenly had an image of them in Obscura Hall, sitting on the sofa after she’d ventured into the sleepscape for the first time. How close they’d been. The way she’d touched his hair, wondered at how different he looked without his glasses.
He looked no different to her now. He was Baz, steady and sure and real andhere. He smelled of coffee and citrus and home. She was reminded of what he’d said to her that time in the Eclipse commons. How he’d shared with her that he wanted to become a professor at Aldryn to make it into a sanctuary for Eclipse-born. A place where they could feel safe.
You’re good at this, Baz,she’d told him then, and still thought so now.
And as their eyes locked and the laughter faded from their lips, she was struck with the same thought she’d had back then, imagining what it might be like to kiss him. Without knowing what she was doing, she leaned in to find out.
“I’m with Kai,” Baz blurted out, dodging her advance.
Emory pulled away sharply, the words slow to register in her moonbrew-addled mind. She covered her mouth in horror as the weight of what she’d tried to do hit her. “Tides, I’m such a fool. I should have known you two were—”
“I meant to tell you earlier.” Baz’s cheeks had turned pink. “Sorry.”
“Why are you sorry? That’s—I’m the one who’s sorry.” She should have seen it before. The signs were there, after all. Baz’s desperation to find Kai, the look in his eyes when he spoke about him. Virgil joking about Kai being Baz’s nightmare-weaving boyfriend. And hadn’t part of Emory always suspected there was more to their friendship?
She covered her face with both hands, wanting to disappear.“Can we please pretend I didn’t do that and just blame it on the moonbrew?”
A breathy chuckle from Baz. “Sure.” He sat up and drew his legs against his chest. He looked at her over his shoulder, searching her gaze. “Can I ask… was it ever real between us?”
“Of course it was.” The words left her mouth before she could think.
There had been nothing accusatory about his question, no anger or pressure. But it laid bare a truth that not even her answer could deny.
This—her foolish attempt to kiss him—was her using him all over again, seeking comfort in a moment of turmoil, familiarity at a time where the world seemed to be ending.
Baz must know it. It was why he’d asked such a question, his way of calling her out on it, his gentle prying into her mind to see if she had ever truly wanted this, or if she had only ever used him with another end in sight.
But ithadbeen real, there was no doubt in her mind about this fact. She could have seen herself with him. She imagined it now, how life would have been if she’d given him a chance instead of falling prey to Keiran’s calculated charm. If she’d stuck by Baz when they were still at prep school instead of retreating from him the way everyone else had, letting their friendship turn to dust before it could flourish into something more.
If she hadn’t been so consumed by this perfect image of what she’d thought she wanted her life to look like, she could have been happy with Baz. He would have made her a better person. That was the impact he had on people. He made them want to grow and improve and become people worthy of his love.
She regretted it, never giving him a proper chance. Manipulating him the way she had.
But there was no taking it back. She couldn’t rewind time theway Baz might. And she wouldn’t want to, especially not if it meant taking away what he had found with Kai.
Kai, who was infinitely better to Baz than Emory ever was. Who’d always seen his worth and never shied away from it.
Maybe this was her punishment. To be too late in seeing Baz the way she saw him now. To have lost him before realizing what they might have been.
Emory sat up and laid a hand on Baz’s arm. “Itwasreal,” she repeated, swallowing past the lump in her throat. “But it’s over now, isn’t it?” She gave him a weak smile. “You and Kai were always meant for each other. I just hope I haven’t ruined everything between us. I don’t want to lose you again.”
“You won’t.” Baz pulled her in against him. “What we have can never be ruined.”
And here at last was the final truth between them, the final card laid out on the table. The could-haves and what-ifs, and the friendship that remained. That would always remain.
Even as her heart hurt for the version of them that might have existed in another life, Emory was grateful for this.
This time, she wouldn’t be so careless with his friendship. She would hold on to it and never let go.
29BAZ
BAZ WENT TO SLEEP THATnight feeling oddly peaceful.
Another version of him might have tossed and turned agonizing over what had happened with Emory on the beach. Wondering if he’d done the right thing, said the right words.
For the tiniest of moments, it was as if he’d been transported back tobefore, when a kiss from her would have meant everything to him. Where he would have gladly lost himself in her, forgiven everything she’d done to him and ignored how different she was now—how different they both were—if only so that he could stay in this perfect bubble of contentment, in this moment he had once dreamed of making reality.
Itwasreal,she’d said.But it’s over now, isn’t it?
