Eventually he must have fallen asleep.
He realized he hadn’t gotten any rest while going through these time loops, save for once after his second attempt; the trauma of that one had made him reticent to jump back in, so he’d heeded the god’s advice and took some time to rest before jumping back in for the third attempt.
Now sleep pulled him into a familiar nightmare. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d been haunted by the printing press. It didn’t feel as nightmarish to him now, as Baz sat down in the wreckage, hugging his legs to his chest. Maybe he’d seen too much of actual fear to be fearful of this memory anymore.
He felt a familiar presence at his side. Kai sat next to him, watching the printing press with something close to fondness.
“Been a while since we’ve been here,” he said wistfully.
“Yeah,” Baz breathed. He realized with sudden horror that this might be the last time he spoke to Kai here in the past. That it might be the last time he saw himeverif he couldn’t work out the ritual.
Kai gave him a quizzical look. “You all right?”
A storm of feelings rose up inside Baz. How powerless he felt against the unconquerable beast that was fate. The sliver of hope he would hold on to now that he had this senseless ritual. This unending dread at the thought of losing Kai for good.
Without thinking, Baz leaned in to kiss him. It was soft and lingering as he tried to etch the memory of Kai’s lips in his mind. Of the supple feel of his hair against his fingers, and his scent like crisp midnight air. Not wanting to break the kiss, he rested his forehead against Kai’s, closing his eyes.
He wanted to tell Kai he’d find a way to save him. Wanted to tell him how scared he was of losing him forever once he went through the door. But he’d tried this all before, and nothing had changed. So instead, Baz said, “Whatever happens, promise me you’ll remember that… that I love you.”
I love you.
Three words neither of them had ever said to the other, neither in dreaming nor waking.
Kai pulled back to look into Baz’s eyes with such depth and love echoed back, it made Baz want to cry. The words felt momentous. They were truer than anything Baz had ever spoken. And for a moment, he hoped those words would somehow survive the end of the time loop. That future-Kai would remember them, wherever he was. That he would hold on to them until Baz found a way to bring him back to him.
Kai opened his mouth to say something, but Baz pressed the tip of his fingers to his lips. “Don’t say anything back,” he whispered. “Not until all this is over.”
Not until I fix this. Not until we see each other again.
Because if Kaiwereto say it back, Baz wanted it to be real.
Kai pulled Baz’s hand away from his mouth and pressed a kiss into the palm before lacing his fingers through his. His smile was answer enough, and as Baz woke, he swore he could still feel Kai’s lips on his skin.
For the last time, Baz watched Kai go through the door without him. Then, when he appeared once more in the god’s workshop, he looked the god straight in the eye and said, “You were right. I can’t change the outcome.”
The god blinked at him a few times, clearly taken aback. “Well,” he bumbled. “I’m glad you’ve finally come to your senses. I know it can be a hard truth to accept, but there are still things youcanchange, Basil. Out there, in your own time.”
“I know.” The folded-up ritual burned in his pocket. He handed the god the pocket watch. “I’m ready to go now, if we’re done here, that is.”
The god looked delighted. And though Baz yearned to ask him about his old apprentice, to poke and prod about all the things the god was clearly hiding from him, he did not.
He had to trust that the apprentice was right.
And if the god of balance wanted Baz at present-day Aldryn, then that’s where Baz would go. Because there he would find a way to change Kai’s fate, even if it was the last thing he ever did.
17KAI
KAI STARED IN SHOCKED SILENCEat the empty pile of clothes where Asphodel had been. In truth, he shouldn’t have been so surprised by the act; he’d always known there was something vile inside Clover.
The image made Kai remember Clover’s recurring nightmare, the one where Clover was bent over Cordie, cradling her body as she died. Clover had no tears to shed for Asphodel now. And perhaps that was the truth of him: outside of his love for his sister, this was a man who was cold to the bone, heartless to his core. He only cared for people so long as they were useful to him, but once they served their purpose, they were expendable.
And now Clover hadimbibedthe witch’s life force. He’d taken her power, down to the very last drop, because that’s what he felt he had to do to achieve this vision of his as the world’s savior.
What he said about Emory bringing about the destruction of the worlds… It’s not true.
The pieces came together in Kai’s mind with sudden clarity, amemory he could barely remember having, but there nonetheless. Before Clover could stop him, Kai threw himself at him, grabbing him by the collar and shoving him hard against the basalt columns.
“Baz was right,” Kai said with a bitter laugh as Clover tried unsuccessfully to slip from his grasp. “You’re going to lead these worlds to their doom.”
