And I have carried around the guilt of that day ever since.
I indicate off the A road and start making my way towards Palmer House. I clear my throat. “I’m trying to move past it but right now Faye needs help. Her and Penny are kind of tense with each other because of that new fiancé of hers. Faye doesn’t exactly want my help, but I owe her, so I’m going to stay for at least a night and make sure she’s back on an even keel. Is that okay?”
“Yeah, of course. I get it.”
“Can you put Kiri on?”
“She’s already in bed, asleep. Call first thing in the morning, and I’ll make sure she’s up.”
“All right,” I say, disappointed. “I’ll speak to you tomorrow. Love you.”
“Love you too.”
I pull onto the driveway and think once again how beautiful Palmer House is. I’ve made jokes before about stealing it in the inheritance but they’re only supposed to wind Faye up. Perhaps a part of me wants to remind her that I belong to this family too. I don’t know why I continue to antagonise her, but it’s like I’m stuck in a repetitive loop. The truth is, I owe her. She never told Dad I pushed her down the stairs. She protected me when she had every right to expose me for who I really am.
Penny and Dad both know I didn’t help Faye as she was miscarrying, but they think that’s the extent of the situation. But it’s worse than that.I’mworse than that. I’m a murderer. I pushed my stepmother down the stairs. I killed the baby.
I sit in the car for a few minutes before getting out. The sun is beginning to set, and I expect to see the curtains drawn, but they are still open with no lights on inside. Faye always likes to close the curtains in the evenings, but perhaps that’s a habit she formed when she lived in London, where anyone walking past the house could look in. It’s much more isolated here. Maybe she doesn’t feel the same need for privacy.
With a deep breath, I climb out of the car and walk up to the door. I knock a few times, but no one answers. I didn’t call ahead but she knew I was coming back tonight. I’m about to walk back to my car and wait for her to turn up, when I decide that’s stupid. I have a key to the house. I’m family. Why shouldn’t I let myself in? And what if she’s had a fall? I know she’s not old, but she’s vulnerable, isn’t she?
It’s still awkward stepping into my stepmother’s house, so I knock on the wood again as it creaks open, then call out.
“Faye? Mummy Faye? Hello?”
The house is deathly silent. I shut the front door behind me and peer through the unlit hallway. There’s nobody here. Nothing except for a feeling of deep unease running through the air. I walk over to the bottom of the stairs and then I hear it.
The sound of water running.
She’s in the shower.
A wave of relief floods me and shows me in an instant just how much I care about her.
I fill the kettle and let it boil as I lean against the kitchen counter.
I make two cups of tea, take them over to the table and scroll through a few social media apps. When the water stops running, I go back out to the hall and call up the stairs.
“Mummy Faye? I let myself in, I hope that’s all right?”
I wait for a moment, but there’s no answer.
I climb the stairs. “Faye? It’s me, just wanted to let you know I’m here.”
Finally, she responds. “Okay.”
“I made you a cup of tea. It’s still warm if you want it, but it’s getting cooler by the minute, so… you know, you might want to hurry up. I thought I’d stay the night again. In the guest room. That okay?”
“Yeah. Fine.”
I make my way back to the table with the cup of tea. On Facebook, I discover that a school friend I lost touch with is getting married, and my grandmother on Dad’s side has fallen for a fake political meme.
Faye finally makes her way down in a dressing gown, wet hair brushed away from her face. She takes a seat across the table from me, staring at me with a blank expression.
I push the tea over to her. “Are you okay? Did you take your medication?”
“Yes,” she says.
“Good. You seemed a bit spaced out, is all.” I turn my phone around so she can see the screen. “You wouldn’t fall for this nonsense, would you? Even with the dementia. I mean, it’s obviously fake. Right?”
