I had interrupted before I had time to think, my teeth clacking together as I closed my mouth a moment too late. Darcy raised an eyebrow.
“You know? How do you know?”
I considered my options. No obvious lie came to mind, and I tried to make a habit of lying to my brother only when there was no other choice. I preferred it when he had no reason to doubt me when I absolutely needed to hide something. I had secrets too dangerous to swear any vow of total honesty. But Kitty writing to me was not, on its own, any kind of crime. If Elizabeth had not alerted him to what she had seen, Darcy had no reason to think a single letter suspicious. As long as he didn’t ask to read it.
“Miss Bennet wrote to me,” I said, resisting the urge to cross my fingers behind my back. “She said their father was unwell.”
Darcy showed no sign of mistrust as he nodded, absentmindedly unfolding and refolding his letter from Elizabeth. He had no need to conceal its contents. I suppressed a bitter wave of jealousy.
“Elizabeth has asked me to join her. I have spoken to the staff here and will be on my way before noon. In all official capacity, Pemberley is under your care, but—”
“I want to go.”
For a moment, Darcy only blinked at me in confusion, trying to interpret my words.
“To Meryton?” he checked.
“Yes.”
I fought against my cheeks’ desire to turn red, hoping they didn’t betray me. If I stayed at Pemberley, there was no telling how long it would be before I saw Kitty again. Even if her father recovered, I could hardly expect her to return immediately, and if not, the selfishness of me desiring her presence would pale in comparison with her duties as a bereaved daughter. Even if I got to see her for only a moment, I needed to know every word of her letter was true. I wanted to take her hand and kiss her fingers and ask if she had felt these kinds of feelings before.
I still remembered the confusion and self-hatred I’d fought through, alone, in London, and I didn’t want her to endure the same. To have someone beside me, reassuring me that my feelings were not a curse or a punishment or some kind of twisted abnormality would have meant the world, and if Kitty needed that, too, then I wanted to be that person for her.
Darcy took a seat behind his desk, looking me over.
“Are you sure you would be well enough to travel?” he asked, gesturing to my knee.
“Absolutely,” I promised. “I can walk, and it doesn’t hurt.”
What was one more little lie?
“And if you find yourself in the way at Longbourn House, you will return here or go on to your aunt’s without complaint?”
I barely restrained myself from pulling a face at the mention of my aunt. Any notion that I was a human being in her eyes rather than a pawn in a game of matrimony had vanished the day Darcy had defied her wishes that he marry her daughter. Rosings Park, the de Bourghs’ home, was the last place I wanted to go, but I would have agreed to anything for the chance to see Kitty.
“Yes, fine.”
Darcy considered it longer than I’d hoped, but eventually he relented.
“Elizabeth would no doubt like to see you. And I think I would feel better if I was able to keep an eye on you. If you remain attached to this story of an accidental fall,” he said, fixing me with a sceptical stare.
I stared back, unwilling to recant an explanation that at least mostly embraced the truth.
“Have Emma pack your things,” Darcy said. “I would prefer to get to the Bennets’ as soon as possible.”
I suppressed my grin, fleeing before he could change his mind. My heart beat wildly as I traced my steps back to my room. Now that the potential of seeing Kitty had become a certainty, my emotions were harder to keep in check. I desperately wanted to see her, but I couldn’t even imagine what I’d say.
What I wanted was entirely incompatible with what I could have. If I were a gentleman, I’d have offered Kitty my hand in marriage after our first meeting in the library. Only a fool would wait to convince a lady so intriguing of their attachment. But I would never have that option. The most I could offer Kitty was stolen moments carved out in shadows of privacy. She deserved so much more, but however long we could claim together was preferable to no time at all. And I would have no idea of Kitty’s thoughts on the matter until we could finally talk.
When I made it back to my own room, I rescued the letter from my mother’s book.
You stun me, Miss Darcy.
I rather think I like it.
I dared to let myself hope.
Elizabeth often spoke of Longbourn House as if it were a person, so it existed in my imagination in vivid brushstrokes. Despite not having seen it myself, I felt as if I knew the building like an old friend. I couldn’t help myself from staring wide-eyed and childlike when it came into view through the carriage window—the redbrick walls and creeping ivy were just as I’d always pictured.
