I was reaching for her before I knew what I was doing. An escaped lock of hair had curled just in front of her ear, and I tucked it away, but I could not bear to stop touching her once I had started. Her skin was too warm, too real, and I lost my fingertips in her hair, my palm hot against her neck.
She kissed me first, and I would be forever grateful for it. If it had been left to me, we might have stayed in that moment of heavy gazes and brief touches eternally. But Kitty shifted forwards, her fingertips cautiously lingering at my jaw to steady me as she brushed her lips against the very corner of my mouth. I couldn’t help my contented sigh, or the way it spun into a whine as she settled back. It wasn’t enough. With Kitty, I wasn’t sure it ever would be.
When she sat back, there was fear in her eyes, as if she couldn’t believe what she’d done, and I couldn’t allow her to think she’d made a mistake. I reached out to pull her close, my fingers sliding over the silken fabric of her dress at her shoulder, and thankfully she responded with no resistance, pressing her lips to mine with unpractised enthusiasm that I returned almost as inelegantly. My practise with Helena, no matter how brief, served me well enough, and the security of the grotto calmed my fears of discovery. It was just Kitty and me left in the world.
With her advances returned, Kitty seemed to shake off any remaining hesitations. Her hands found my hair, playing aimlessly with some loose tendril, before her fingers started sliding out my hairpins and dropping them to the floor with gentle clicks against the glass tiles.
“That took forever,” I mumbled between her kisses, but I had to fight to keep my laughter at bay. I was too giddy to be anything but happy.
“Sorry,” Kitty replied, shifting to kiss my cheek. “Only I’ve been wanting to do this since the first night I saw you in the library.”
I thought perhapsthismeant kissing me, but once Kitty had finished her quest to unpin Emma’s elaborate styling and my hair was tumbling down my back, she ran her fingers through the curls, brushing them out before losing her hands in them. I felt dizzy, like the hairpins had been the only thing holding me together.
We kissed for long enough that the impromptu bandage around my knee bled through with sticky crimson. Physicians had been wrong all this time. It wasn’t opium that best eased pain; it was Kitty Bennet. I couldn’t think of anything but her lips against mine and her skin under my fingertips, my injuries quite forgotten. They ought to sell her by the bottle, but I selfishly wanted her all for myself.
I had no plan for what was going to happen once we walked out of the grotto. What we were doing would be viewed as reprehensible to anyone who saw, but I still didn’t want to stop. The only other time I’d done this, the choice had been taken away from me, Wickham’s interruption controlling my fate.
It seemed history was keen to repeat itself.
Elizabeth gave us as little warning as Wickham had given Helena and me, rushing into the grotto with a frantic chaosabout her. Kitty wrenched herself away from me, scrambling to her feet before I could even organise my thoughts.
It was all going to happen again. The blackmailing and the fear and the consequences. I cursed myself for being so stupid, for making the same mistake twice, but I hadn’t been able to help but fall for Kitty.
Maybe Elizabeth hadn’t seen. It was dark in the grotto—perhaps we’d been in shadow, or Kitty had been quick enough to put some distance between us. I tried to gauge whether there was disgust in her eyes, but she was wholly focused on Kitty.
“You need to come with me,” she said, grabbing her sister’s arm and hauling her towards the door like she was a child.
“But—” Kitty tried to protest as she stumbled over her feet. She didn’t look at me.
“Now.”
With that, Elizabeth pulled her away. She spared me an apologetic glance, barely even properly seeing me as she left me in silence, my only companion the flickering candle.
I sat there, numb, as I regained my breath. With Kitty gone, there was nothing to distract me from the pain of my knee. My leg thrummed with pulses of agony, and my heart beat a similar rhythm of anguish. Every time I let myself get attached and allowed myself to give in to my wayward feelings, it ended badly. I tried to reassure myself that this was different, that Elizabeth was nothing like Wickham, but it still felt like I’d lost Kitty, just like I’d lost Helena. If Elizabeth told Darcy, I might lose Pemberley, too.
I hoped she’d come back. Even if Elizabeth was admonishing Kitty, I thought at least she would send help for me once she’d been told of my fall. There was no way for me to accurately measure the time that passed, but I was shivering in my ridiculous, destroyed dress and the candle was starting to burn low. If I didn’t get myself back soon, I would have no light by which to do so and no movement left in my frozen limbs.
Without Kitty to support my weight, standing was difficult. Walking was even harder but, candle in hand to guide the way, I made the walk back to the house step by painful step. I could still hear the noise of the ball spilling out from Pemberley’s windows. If I had been the talk of the town in my prior absences, returning midevening with tearstained cheeks, ripped skirts, and a blood-soaked bandage tied around my knee would truly cause a scandal. For a moment, I considered it. Mr. Honeyfield would lose all interest, as would any other viable suitor. From my perspective, it sounded ideal, but it would bring shame to Pemberley’s door that my family name should not have to bear on my behalf.
Changing my course to head through the kitchens, I prayed to find them empty but instead stumbled across Ruth peeling potatoes.
“My days!” she said, horrified at the sight of me. “Miss Darcy, what happened?”
She dropped the knife and potato she was holding into the bucket of scraps, cleaning off her hands on a towel before hurrying over to fuss.
“No, I’m fine,” I insisted. I needed to find Kitty, to make sure she wasn’t in trouble. “Mrs. Darcy and Miss Bennet? Where are they?”
I was convinced there was a psychic connection amongst Pemberley’s staff. Information spread quicker than the plague through London, jumping between rooms and across floors in minutes. If there was something to know, Ruth would know it.
“Their carriage just departed for Longbourn, miss. You should sit down.”
She tried to usher me towards a chair, but I stood firm. I couldn’t bear the idea of Kitty being taken away because of what we had done, not before I had a chance to talk to her and try to reason with Elizabeth. It was all my fault.
If they had only just left, perhaps there was still a chance I could catch them. I ducked past Ruth and headed for the main entrance. The pain in my knee was of no consequence. I just needed to get to the front steps as quickly as possible. Ruth called after me, but I left her voice behind as I limped through the halls. I could hear the vibrancy of the ball bleeding through the house, but I didn’t care who saw me.
I heaved open the front door and hoped frantically that the carriage would still be at the bottom of the steps. Stumbling out into the cold, I found the drive empty. If I squinted, I was almost convinced I could make out moving lights far in the distance, but they were much beyond the space I could cover with my feet or my voice.
There was nothing I could do. I sank to the floor, myshaking legs no longer able to hold me up, and clutched my knees as I let tears fall from my eyes. I’d ruined my own life when I’d kissed Helena, but now I’d ruined Kitty’s, too. She didn’t have a prosperous marriage lined up to save her from scandal. I let everything hit me—the pain in my knee, the breathlessness Kitty had left me with, the fear bubbling in my stomach. It was too much to bear.
