I had no idea how to reply, so I danced my fingers across the two highest keys, just to have something else to focus on. Now that the piece had so much of her, or at least how I saw her, in it, I wanted to know her thoughts. If she hated it, I’d throw it out and never think of it again.
“I don’t think it is possible for you to be real,” she said. “No one can be so… You…” She sighed before trying again.“It is a remarkable composition. You should be very proud of it, George.”
George.
It was the first time anyone had ever called me that. Usually I wasMiss Darcyor, more increasingly,Georgiana, but the nickname was new and thrilling. Perhaps I should have hated it, given it was the Christian name of a man I hoped never to see again, but when dripped in Kitty’s soft affection, it sounded like an entirely different name, and I wanted to hear it endlessly.
Afraid to draw attention to it in case she never used it again as a result, I instead mumbled my thanks, letting my fingers drift over the keys in an approximation of the beginning of a Bach sinfonia.
Kitty’s leg was warm against mine through her peach-coloured morning dress. As damned as it might have made me, I wasn’t going to be the one to move. If I could not have anything real, anything tangible, I could at least have this one moment.
Chapter Six
Pemberley’s monthly ball was fast approaching, but Elizabeth had known better than to extend a direct invitation. She talked about it openly and made it clear my presence was welcome, but the thought of an evening of socialising and having to remember every rule of etiquette still sounded like torture. I considered the rumours I’d only encourage with my absence and tried to find a solution that involved me hiding away in my chambers with a pile of books and an equally tall tower of gingerbread, while still maintaining my family’s reputation. No answer presented itself, so I resolved to put it out of my mind every time it came up.
Kitty and I didn’t speak about it. We covered every other conceivable topic as we walked the grounds or met at night in the library—from our childhoods to the books I read to thecountries she wanted to visit. It hadn’t occurred to me she thought I would be in attendance at the ball until she brought up the topic over breakfast on the day it was scheduled.
“Are there many suitors vying for a space on your dance card, Georgiana?” she asked, spreading butter on a thick slice of toast. “How many more balls until you are married?”
I almost spat out my tea at the very thought. Having just a little more decorum than that, I choked it down instead, hiding my mouth behind a napkin.
“No!” I protested between coughs. I vehemently hated the idea of Kitty believing I had any interest in Lambton’s most eligible bachelors. As soon as my throat was clear, I leapt to clarify things. “No suitors. No dance cards. Charming as I am sure they are, I prefer to avoid such events as this evening.”
Elizabeth met my eye and offered what appeared to be a sympathetic smile, but thankfully she did not add her voice to Kitty’s.
“You’re not going?” Kitty asked, eyes wide with surprise and, I perhaps deluded myself, a little disappointment.
“You know you are more than welcome,” Darcy said, stifling a yawn behind his hand, still half asleep. “Your company is encouraged, even.”
“Thank you,” I told him. “I… I still am not sure whether I’ll go.”
“Oh,” Kitty said. For several moments, she was silent, until she burst out with something like she could no longer keep it inside. “I want you to be there.”
We stared at each other, neither sure what to say. Myheart felt too tight in my chest, like it had grown two sizes without my consent.
“It is not really something I am much good at,” I whispered. “Forgive me.”
The level of sincerity felt out of balance with the context, but I felt so regretful to have to deny Kitty something.
Neither of us said much more as we finished our breakfast, with Elizabeth and a slowly waking Darcy carrying the conversation. The moment her plate was clean, Kitty made herself scarce. Not one to be outdone when it came to matters of seclusion, I hid myself away in the one place I knew she wouldn’t be. I had shared the library with her, but I’d never had the occasion to take her to the shell grotto.
I sat on the bench and traced the rough texture of the walls, considering whether I could stay there for the whole evening. It was a tempting thought, but the underground cove went from pleasantly cool to bitingly cold at night. Sitting alone, trying to find meaning in trailing patterns of scallop shells, I thought over my answer to Kitty.
She wanted to see me.
When our hands brushed together in the library, she didn’t pull away. She watched me play piano like I was Mozart, rather than merely an amateur. She delighted in losing to me at chess. I had never excelled in mathematics, but even I could admit there was something encouraging about it all when it was added up. One evening. I would never get a lifetime of this feeling, but perhaps I could allow myself justone night. I had learnt from Frances and from the Georgiana of the past, so incautious with Helena. I would be careful.
Leaping to my feet, I fled the grotto and headed for the house. There wasn’t much time left.
It was not often I visited Emma’s room in the staff quarters since there was rarely an emergency I wanted to bother her with, but I didn’t know whom else to go to. My brother was out of the question, and I wasn’t sure I could look Elizabeth in the eye when I was experiencing such unspeakable feelings for her sister. Of everyone else at Pemberley, I trusted my lady’s maid the most. I rushed into her room quickly enough to give her a start. It was only when she jumped, stabbing her needle into her thumb from the surprise, that I realised I should’ve knocked first.
“My apologies,” I said, my cheeks flushed. “I can come back. I never meant to—”
“It’s not a problem,” Emma said, smiling like I was an overexcited child who’d just run into her knees. She sucked her thumb into her mouth to stop the blood welling up. “Even without you to startle me, I prick my fingers at least once an hour. Is something wrong?”
I chewed on my lip, unsure exactly what I wanted to ask for. Despite the best efforts of my governesses and those I knew in London, I didn’t often like to show my face at large gatherings. A roomful of people was so readily intimidating. In truth, I wanted Emma to teach me how to walk into a ballroom and not immediately want to lower my gaze, but thatwasn’t her job. She wasn’t there to hold my hand. Instead, I opted for vagueness.
“Can you help me?” I pleaded, sounding as pathetic as I was sure I looked.
