“I mean, she was a little aloof last night,” she continues, as though I’ve admitted it. “But this morning she was an ice castle. Surrounded by a nuclear moat.” She pauses,hmms to herself. “Does that metaphor work?”
“No.”
But actually I think it does. Jesswasan ice castle this morning. Cold and fortified, all through the awkward breakfast we all sat through together. The nuclear moat part might be a bit of an overstatement, but still. She wasn’t going to let a single person around that table see her hurting.
See thatI’dhurt her.
Beth shrugs. “You were the English major. Come on, we need to quit for the day.”
I know she’s right—the sun’s about an hour from setting, I’m pretty sure—but still, I drag my feet at gathering up our supplies. This morning, after breakfast, I packed us a big cooler of drinks and sandwiches and snacks; I asked Mace if it’d be all right with him if Beth and I stayed out for the whole day. He looked at me curiously, because he knows me pretty well, too, and I lied and said I could use a good long stretch of time outside.
The truth was, I promised Jess I’d give her time today. That I’d stay away from her.
“You had a fight with her?” says Beth, as I’m folding up the table saw.
“I’m not talking about it.”
I promised her that, too.
But it’s hard not to tell it all to my sister: the devastation on Jess’s face when I told her about Salem’s offer to me, followed by the sort of seething anger and suspicion I’d gotten used to not seeing in her eyes. Her shocked expression at everything I said next—about that storm inside her, about the way I wanted to know her.Onlyher.
For a second, I thought she . . . I don’t know. I thought she softened to it; I thought she was glad to hear it. My body had been vibrating with hope, with anticipation. I thought,She’s going to open the window all the way this time. She’s going to let me in.Only me.
Instead, she slid it shut again. She told me she needed to think, that she and Tegan needed to be away from me. The only success I had was in convincing her not to leave right then. I let her list out the same sort of conditions as she’d once given me while we were sitting in her father’s living room, back when we were total strangers to each other.
I feel Beth staring at me. “Leave it,” I tell her.
“If you don’t talk to me, I’m just gonnaextrapolate.”
“Go right ahead, Boop,” I answer, using her old childhood nickname. “I won’t tell you either way.”
Shehmms.
“Obviously, you’re falling in love with her.”
It is unbelievably difficult not to react. My respect for Jess—ice castle, nuclear moat, never-reveals-anything Jess—increases exponentially, which I might’ve figured was impossible.
“And I think she might have a thing for you, too.”
I swallow. That’s bait. I know it is.Do not react, I tell myself firmly.Do not ask what she means. That would be a betrayal of Jess.
My brain is desperately trying to coach my wayward heart from the sidelines.
“I think she wanted to sit next to you at dinner last night,” Beth adds.
I’m sure that’ll never happen again. Still, how did I miss she wanted me to sit next to her? Now I’m stuck replaying the evening in my mind, every cue I might have missed. I’m imagining it going another way. If I’d been next to her, if I’d set my hand on her leg. Would it have been good for her here then? Would everything after—my overdue confession to her—have gone better?
“Still,” Beth says, grunting with effort as she hefts a toolbox into the truck cab, “despite her questionable taste in people she wants to sit next to, I like her.”
I roll my eyes. But also, I’m glad Beth likes her.
Jess deserves to be liked.
I’m on the verge of saying that, at least, when my phone rings with a particular tone: Salem’s.
“Shit,” I mutter, pulling it from my back pocket.
It isn’t that I don’t want to hear from Salem, really—in fact, I’m hoping for a good update about her daughter’s condition—but also, I have no fucking idea how to deal with the fact that I probably just blew up her story because of my feelings for Jess. I’d tell her, except that I promised Jess I wouldn’t, and also, I don’t want to pile on when she’s in the middle of a major family crisis.
