“Oh, fuck that, Jules.” I pull back, and yeah, nowI’mcrying. I swipe my tears away. “Of course I trust you. And I love you. Just don’t die, okay?” I look at Pri. “If you do that to my best friend, I’ll kick your ass.”
She lets out a small sob of a laugh. “Take a number. I told him I’d kick his butt too.”
Standing inconspicuously to one side, Alexander watches us with a kind smile. Julian finally notices, and he sits up and practically shouts out, “Shit, dude! You’re here! Bring it in.”
Alexander goes to exchange a fist bump and one of those guy hugs, then gets a chair from by the window and drags it over, sitting down. When he does, I notice thatoh my God, he’s wearing the fly fishing socks from the suit I gave him in Italy. My shocked gaze goes from his ankles to his eyes, and he gives me a cute helpless shrug, and my heart clenches.
Pri and I perch on either side of Jules’s bed and we all chatand I’m brought up to speed on what happened. Long story short: Jules told an old pal (um,drug pal) he’d be in London, the friend asked him to drop by, he thought he’d prove to himself how “over it” he was by seeing the friend, and… obviously he was wrong about being over it. I’m not dense enough to buy his story completely, because if the thought of using never crossed his mind, he would’ve taken Priya with him and wouldn’t have lied to her about where he was going.
So it’s a process. We’re not there yet, but I believe in him. I prepared for the 40 to 60 percent possibility of a relapse, and I’ve educated myself with the tools to help Julian to help himself more effectively as we move forward.
I’m not giving up. And I won’t let him give up either.
“Sage, no way am I letting you pay for treatment again after I failed,” he tells me upon hearing that I’m sending him right the fuck back to rehab.
I take his jaw in one hand, pinning him with a stern look. “We’ll do this as many times as it takes,” I insist. “I’m driving for you now, got it? You didn’t save me the first time you went back to look for me in Thailand. I didn’t save you the first time you went to rehab. We keep trying. We’re family, Jules.”
There’s a discreet tap on the open door, and I look over to find Maya Ardley leaning in. “Is this an okay time?” she asks.
“Meems!” Julian calls out with a happy laugh, using his years-ago nickname for her. “What the hell are you doing in London?” He beckons her over, and as they exchange a hug, she glances at Priya like she’s checking to see if it’s okay.
“Technically I’m in England to attend the British GP,”Maya says, adding in an amused deadpan, “Your sickbed is just a detour.”
I know Pri doesn’t feel weird about Maya. But Maya still seems self-conscious, probably aware that it lands different that she’s here for Jules. She mentions her husband, Tau, a few times, and I suspect it’s not only because she’s nuts for the guy but also to make it clear to Priya that she doesn’t have designs.
After we’ve all been talking awhile, Julian falls asleep, and I feel like I understand the contentment my mom once described to me when she’d see us kids sleeping, knowing we were somewhere safe for a few hours, where nothing could hurt us. I examine the relaxed lines of Julian’s face and I want him to get betterso much… I don’t think I’ve ever even wanted to win a race as much as I want him to win this fight.
Alexander—who’s mostly been quietly listening to the conversation—gets up and makes his way subtly to the door, meeting my eye and pointing to indicate that he’s leaving. Pri and Maya are chatting, so I stand and follow him into the hall. We wander to the recess of an empty doorway where there’s some privacy, and he takes both my hands in his.
“I’ll shove off, then,” he tells me. “I know you can hold your own with the press. I just, uh… I didn’t know what we’d find—Julian’s condition, that is to say—and I wanted to be here for you in case it was quite bad. But you’re fine.”
There’s a sinking feeling in my chest. “Yep, that’s me. Totally fine.”
He squeezes my hands, staring at our dovetailed fingers. “I told myself I wouldn’t say this and look gauche, as if I’m taking advantage of this situation to get near you when youwant nothing to do with me. But…” He looks up cautiously. “Salvi, I love you. I always will. And I know you may still not believe that I had nothing to do with that shite Maya’s mum wrote. But part of me is always going to be waiting for you, too lovesick to let go.”
I can barely breathe, and I know my eyes are wide. I can’t even manage to pull on my aloof mask—this hurts too much.God, he’s beautiful.
He emits a breath of a laugh, rueful. “If ever I were to marry someone else,” he goes on, “I’ll insist that it’s written into my vows, ‘But if Sage comes back to me, it’s straight into the bin with you.’”
I choke out a snort-laugh, then clap a hand over my mouth. “Oh, your hypothetical future wife willlovethat.”
He shrugs with a weak smile. “Needs must.”
I know I should let his hands go, but I can’t. “Sandy, I do believe you didn’t tell CJ that stuff about Jules. Like, I’ve known that for a month. It just seemed like I’d probably burned the bridge with you. The things I said werereallymean. I didn’t give you a chance to defend yourself. I did pretty much every single step of that whole scene wrong.”
“Your assumptions weren’t unjustified, however fierce you were in the delivery. I’ve always been a careless twat, and this is the result when personal growth happens too late. I’ve no one to blame but myself. My behavior, historically, has been far from above reproach.”
“We made plenty of mistakes,” I mutter, my head dropping.
There’s a long pause where we stare at our feet, squeezing each other’s hands.
“I don’t suppose,” Alexander ventures, “that we might consider that to have been our first quarrel? We did it badly, but… maybe we both learned a lot and the next one will go better.”
Everything in my torso makes a roller-coaster jump, and when I meet his eyes, I know mine are probably borderline pleading. “You don’t think we fucked it up too majorly to be repaired?”
He hums a small laugh. “After the crash during qualifying in Montreal, your car looked like a fuckin’ wadded kebab wrapper and I thought, ‘How will Emerald get that wreckage fixed overnight?’ But it happened.”
“The team was highly motivated.”
