“He did. That doesn’t excuse him.” Connor looked away, his gaze distant. “You’re not him. Even if you hooked up with Akira, hell, with a hundred women, you could never be like him.”
He couldn’t speak. In the ensuing silence, Ben straightened from his slouched position. “Holy shit.”
“Jacob,” Connor said slowly. “Did you and Akira…?”
He shook his head. “This— Nothing much happened.”
“But something did.” Connor propped his chin in his hand and stared at Jacob like he’d never seen him before. “With Akira? Wow.”
Ben cleared his throat. “You don’t have to give us details, Jacob, but, uh. We won’t turn you away if you do.”
“There will be no details.” He pinched his nose.I’m sorry for you. But you still had no right to treat me like you have.
No. He had no right.
He could posture about disapproving of Mei calling her daughter a slut. He could take away all of Kati’s electronics. But at the end of the day, was he really much better? He may not have said the derogatory words, but his aloofness could easily have been taken as disapproval. It didn’t matter he hadn’t intended it. What mattered was how he had made her feel. “How could I treat a woman like this?”
“Because you’re not God,” Connor snapped. “You’re allowed to make mistakes.”
His lips twisted. “My mistakes affect three people.” His daily reminder, the thing keeping him on the straight and narrow path for so many years.
“Really?” Connor responded. “Because as far as I can tell, this mistake? This affected you. And a completely innocent woman.”
Ben nodded. “Do you think we’re happy you sacrificed her to spare us…what? The knowledge our brother is human and has sex or feels desire or something? Come on. You’re allowed to be selfish.”
He suppressed a shudder, unable to think about selfishness and not relive those moments on the soft red rug in Akira’s office. It had been everything he’d thought it could be. For that period in time, he’d forgotten everything else in his life. His world had been reduced to him, and her, and satisfying their most basic needs.
Wrong. Dangerous. The path to destruction.
So why had it felt so right? The only thing that felt wrong about this scenario was the way he had treated Akira for all these years. He’d hurt her. He shoved his now-lukewarm beer away. “I just didn’t want you guys to be hurt.” The excuse felt dumb and stupid on his lips.
But then, his brothers didn’t know everything about him and their father, the secret he would probably take to his grave.
“Wake up, Jacob.” Uncharacteristic impatience colored Ben’s voice. “We’re all grown up. So is Kati.”
“What are you going to do when Kati leaves for college in a few months?” Connor asked with brutal honesty. “Be alone? Seal yourself up in your house with your books and your computer and never come out again? Why don’t you try living for yourself for a little while? You might like it.”
Live for himself. Do whatever he wanted, and damn the consequences.
What an utterly terrifying yet exhilarating possibility.
He glanced up at his brothers, stunned at the emotion written all over their faces. Worry. Worry for…him?
No, that was crazy. He was the one who had to worry for his siblings. Not the other way around.
“If you had a ‘nothing much’ going on with Akira…you should crawl back to her and turn that into something,” Connor said. “You’d be dumb as a rock not to.”
Ben nudged his brother. “Akira may be jumping into the deep end of the wild side,” he cautioned. “Maybe have a one-night stand first.”
“If he’s going to have a wild night with someone, it should be someone who knows what they’re doing.”
Jacob held up his hand to stop the absurd argument. There was truth in what his brothers were saying, but he needed some time to get there. After a lifetime of self-denial and responsibility, he couldn’t imagine rushing out and grabbing something for himself.
But you want to.
God, how he wanted to. Forget the universe and get down on his hands and knees between her legs and…
Jacob swallowed. At the very least, he had to make things up to the woman he’d inadvertently stomped upon.
