Not before she’d made the not-too-strategic move in pressing herself against him at his cabin. Because there was only so much contact she could manage with the man before her mask was in danger of cracking, before she showed him how she really felt about him.
Can’t let him see.
He shook his head. “I knew if I touched you, if you gave the slightest hint you were…” A deep breath. “I wouldn’t want to stop.”
“You’re not making any sense.” The world had tilted on its axis. Up was down, right was left, and the sky was green. She spoke slowly, as if she were trying to make a small child understand a basic truth. “You can’t even stand to be in the same room as me.”
His teeth clenched. “Not because I hate you.”
“Then why?” she shot back. Comprehension was coming, and with it a cold anger, but she wanted it perfectly articulated. Damned if she’d ever let him complain she misunderstood him.
Visibly discomfited, Jacob ran a hand through his hair. “I just can’t look at you without…without wanting you.”
“You—” She choked. “You want me. All these years, you’ve lusted after me.”
He closed his eyes briefly, as if she were a cross to bear. As if the thought of wanting her pained him so much.
The light bulb clicked on, and with it came an icy rage. Rage hot enough to eclipse the mortification of being abandoned half-naked, post-orgasm on her office floor.
She would show him pain.
“But let me guess the problem. You don’t want to want me.”
He winced. “No.”
She would show himallthe pain. “Oh,” she drawled. “I get it. I’m not thetypeof girl you should want, right? I’m so soiled, of course a decent guy like you couldn’t just enjoy being attracted to me.” Someone like her. Unnatural slut. Whore. Bitch.
“What?” His brow furrowed. “No.”
“Yes.” Fine, maybe she had been a dick to him over the years, deliberately poking him. Because she didn’t want him to know the extent of her vulnerability. Not because she was grossed out that he made her body sit up and take notice.
It was nice when a man you desired reciprocated the attraction, but not when that man was otherwise repelled by you. Her voice was a hoarse whisper. “You made me think you despised me for fourteen years, and now I find out it was because I committed the cardinal sin of attracting your lust.”
“Akira—”
“Guess what? I reserve the right to not be punished for your desires.” She tugged at her skirt until every wrinkle was gone, her latest indiscretion vanished.
His fists flattened on the door, and he leaned closer. “What we just did was dirty. It was wrong.”
“Which part? The part where you followed me for what was obviously an indiscreet assignation? Or when you stayed to watch? Or when you stood so close you could have fingered me while another man fucked me?”
“Stop.”
“I wish you would have,” she continued in a throaty purr. “You only touched my cheek, my lips. You had the chance. You should have sucked on my tits. Or rubbed my clit.”
“Akira.”
Uh-oh. She was turning herself on again anew, but she couldn’t. Shut. Up. “Did it make you feel good?” Taking advantage of his proximity, she dropped her hand to his cock, the width and length of it making her feel empty and unfulfilled. She craved this, wanted to hold it, lick it, suck it, fuck it.
His hips jerked at her touch, but he was silent.
“I guess it didn’t make you feel good enough.” She stroked his dick through the fine fabric of his tuxedo pants. He had shaved his beard off for the night, but a dark shadow was already creeping over his square jawline. He might be dressed up, but he would never look civilized. “You’re so hard.” She released him when he shuddered, her lips kicking up in a humorless smile. “You must be so ashamed about—” She cut herself off, his expression slicing through her anger.
She considered herself an expert in reading people. It was part of what made her successful. How had she missed this?
She answered herself almost immediately: she’d been too busy wrestling with her own emotions where this man was concerned.
Shame. It was there, in his words, the way he held his body, the flush over his face, the way his eyes burned. Not because he was ashamed of her. He was ashamed of himself.
