“I’m not brave at all.”I’m a good person. Please let me be compassionate to me.
She just couldn’t.
Fresh tears stung her eyes. “Nicholas found out how I reacted when we ended things last time.” And she would be giving Jackson a piece of her mind. Later, when she could concentrate more on her justifiable anger instead of this deep, yawning despair.
“What do you mean?”
“About how depressed I was.” She shied away from the wordsuicidal, though that was what she’d been. Her depression had been triggered by multiple events, that meeting in the woods the final push she’d needed. If Jackson hadn’t hid everything thatcould have harmed her in the house that first night, she wasn’t certain what she would have done.
“Good. He should know how much he hurt you.”
Livvy lifted her head at the unexpectedly bloodthirsty relish in her aunt’s voice. “I never wanted him to know. It makes me look so weak.”
“Olivia.”
Livvy straightened at her aunt’s stern tone. “Yes?”
“You were hurt. It’s not a weakness to love someone like that. It’s not a weakness to be in pain when that love is ripped away from you.”
“It’s not exactly strength to fall apart when a man dumps you.” And that was how Jackson, and probably Nicholas, had seen the episode.
“Says who?”
“Says everyone.” Strength was soldiering on, with or without a man. Strength was being invulnerable.
“Oh, is that right?” Maile straightened, her nostrils flaring. “Who did the heavy lifting in yours and Nicholas’s relationship, Livvy?”
“I don’t know what you mean.”
“I mean, you were the one who made sure his needs were being met.”
“He met my needs too,” she felt compelled to say.
“Yes, fine. But it was you who said ‘I love you’ first, I bet. You who coaxed him into asking you out. You who kept your sadness a secret from him at the end, partly out of pride, but probably also because you didn’t want him to be hurt.” Maile grimaced. “Society tells women that they have to be responsible for the emotional health of their relationships and then tells them they’re weak for feeling emotions. What kind of message is that? Nicholas was part of your world, and up until the end was a good, dependable part of it. Why shouldn’t you have grieved when you lost him?”
“Because...”
Maile tapped her under her chin. “Do you know what I remember during that time? I remember you curling up next to me at your father’s funeral after I read his eulogy and holding my hand. I remember you getting out of bed when Jackson was arrested and helping me find an attorney for him. I remember you packing up your things in one duffel bag and leaving for a new city where you knew no one. If you fear you aren’t strong, put those fears to rest.”
She swallowed. “Some nights I cried so hard for Nico I physically hurt.”
“So?” Maile made a dismissive noise. “Strength isn’t about how much you cry or the bad nights you might have. Strength is here.” She tapped Livvy’s forehead. “And here.” She poked a blunt finger into Livvy’s chest. “You can be strong and have moments of incredible despair, when everything feels like it’s collapsing in on you, and yes, when you feel like you want to die. Those moments are not weaknesses. They are simply moments. And they are not you.”
Maile spoke with such certainty, the tiny, defenseless part of her bleating how she was dumb and silly was momentarily silenced. Livvy brushed at her cheeks. “Okay.”
“Livvy, you are sweet and rebellious and talented and soft-hearted and mouthy. You have had to endure a number of tragedies in your short life, and you still put one foot in front of another. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Cut yourself some slack.”
Her fingers trembled.I deserve compassion.“I’ll try.”
“Don’t try. Do.”
Livvy nodded. It was hard after so many years of berating herself for every emotion she’d ever had.
Maile was right. That needed to stop. “It’s late,” she finally managed. “We should go to bed.”
“Go on, then.” Maile gave her another sweet smile, her round cheeks creasing. “I have to finish this row, and then I’ll be up.”
Livvy headed for the stairs, but then made a detour around the corner to her mother’s room. She was surprised to find a faint light coming from under the doorway. She hesitated for a second, then knocked. She pushed the door open after her mother’s muffled acknowledgment. Tani sat in the armchair next to the bed, watching the large flat screen on the wall. “Mom? Why are you awake?”
