Alex froze, seriously contemplating a forfeit for the first time.
“If you don’t want to talk about it, I can ask another question.”
Her expression was so soft and open, he couldn’t fabricate or not talk about it. Besides, his department-appointed therapist had urged him to discuss the experience with people. He didn’t know how much he believed in that psychology shit, but if he wanted Genevieve to open up to him, he couldn’t be a pussy about it himself.
“I told you my partner died last year. I was narcotics, and we were conducting some surveillance on this mid-level dealer. We followed him to an abandoned warehouse. I called in backup as soon as we realized it was the drug deal we were waiting for, and then we took up place to watch and wait.”
He paused, remembering the exact instant Tom Leonie’s head had jerked up, the second the dealer had realized someone else was in that abandoned building. “To this day, I don’t know what noise Jerry made, how they knew where he was. I could see him jerking and spinning, and in a minute, I knew he was dead. No way he could have survived that many shots.
“I took one slug in the thigh when I returned fire, not that it helped much. I couldn’t draw my weapon fast enough to save Jerry.” Alex coughed to clear the rough sound of his voice. “Firing after the fact didn’t help anything. Backup showed up right after I got hit. Great for me, but no good for him.”
Her voice wasn’t horrified, but reasonable. “How many guys were you up against?”
“Four. One of them pulled the trigger on Jerry. All of them opened fire on me once I started shooting.”
“Let me guess. You think you could have taken all of them out before they shot your partner?”
“How’d you know? It sounds crazy when you say it like that.”
“I know a little something about guilt.” Her tone was very dry.
“That’s what the shrink told me. Survivor’s guilt, she called it. I don’t know. In reality, I know I couldn’t have done anything, it was such a split-second thing. I can’t help but feel like if I’d just responded a little faster… I’d known the guy since the academy. Had dinner with his family. I should’ve done something more. Instead, all I could do was wait. Sit there with his body no more than twenty feet away till backup showed up.”
“I think you did the right thing.” Genevieve surprised him by leaning forward and giving him an awkward hug. “I’m glad you’re alive.”
His heart expanded. She was so prickly, he relished this, her first overt expression of tenderness. He pulled her close until she cuddled against his chest. She was surprisingly accommodating.
“Anyway, after that, I had a tough time returning to work. To see Jerome’s desk and the gym and even the coffee shop without him there, I was a mess. My brother heard about this job from his girlfriend’s brother and, well, here I am.”
“You didn’t consider leaving police work? Something like that would make me seriously reconsider even staying in the same field.”
“Are you kidding me? I’m third generation. My grandfather was the first Hispanic man on his force. I can’t just stop being a police officer.”
“That’s not the only reason you’re a cop, though, right?”
“No. Of course not. It’s about serving, protecting. It’s incredibly fulfilling.”
“Is it still as fulfilling down here?”
Alex paused. It wasn’t the same thing. He wasn’t putting away the scum of the earth or keeping the public safe from anything more severe than jaywalkers. His job wasn’t about fulfillment in Harrison. It was just…a job. But he was a cop. That was the important thing. Honestly, if he lost that title, he wasn’t sure what he was.
Since he didn’t want to contemplate it too severely, he tried to inject more enthusiasm into his voice than he felt. “Sure. Doesn’t matter how big a town is. Everyone needs law and order.”
Her smile was the softest he’d ever seen it. “I can tell you really believe in the system. That’s great.”
Alex raised a brow. “Why do I get the feeling you’re patronizing me?”
“I’m not.”
“I’m not naïve. There are shades of grey everywhere, I get that. But, yeah, for the most part, there’s a right and a wrong way to go about things.”
She was silent, but she didn’t move from his arms. “Yeah. So you like living there?”
Alex tried to choose his words carefully, since he knew, for some reason, it mattered to Genevieve. “I like the pace. I like the size of the town, that I know who most people are, and they know me. The scenery’s nice too. My apartment’s decent. But it’s not in my blood or anything, the way this place might be in yours.”
“This place isn’t in my blood.”
So why do you stay?He didn’t want to get into a fight though, not when she was curled so soft and sweet against him. He rubbed his chin against the top of her head. The strands got stuck in his beard. “Sorry.”
