Another deep breath. Then I decided to rip the bandage off and hope that was the break-it-to-me approach he favored, because I had no clue how he took his coffee, much less bad news. “Brian, I can’t marry you.” Even if a broken engagement had the potential to drive a wedge between our fathers. My dad wasn’t unreasonable. I had to believe he would understand.
Though I wasn’t sure about Ed Taylor...
Silence settled over the line for the span of a heartbeat. Then: “What?”
“I’m sorry. I thought I could. I thought that’s what I wanted, because that’s what I wassupposedto want. But it’s not.”
“Is this about Jace?” Brian’s voice sounded…heavy, but not truly angry. Nor surprised.
“No.” Not technically, anyway. Jace and I obviously had chemistry—just the thought made me blush—but that didn’t change the reality of the situation. I was too young for him. I was his employee, so any relationship between us would be a blatant conflict of interest for him. And if it evenlookedlike I’d broken up with Brian for Jace, I would have dragged a third Alpha into the rift between my dad and Brian’s.
Even if Jace was willing to risk that for me, I wasn’t sure I could let him.
“Then why?” Brian asked. “We could be good together.”
“Yes, I think we could. If either of us really wanted that.”
“I want it,” he insisted.
“Why?”
“What do you mean?”
I could practically hear his confusion. “Why do you want to marry me, Brian?” It wasn’t because we’d connected physically or emotionally. Or even conversationally. “What is it you were looking forward to the most?” I gave him a moment, and when he didn’t answer, I took a guess. “Sex?”
“No! I could have been… I mean, if we weren’t together for the past few years… I gave up lots of opportunities.”
“I’m sorry about that.” I hadn’t meant to dangle any X-rated carrots in front of him. “So, if not sex, what then? The Pride? Did you want to be an Alpha?”
“What didyouwant?” Brian snapped, and I realized I’d struck a nerve. “What did you get out of this?”
“I…” But telling the truth was a lot harder than asking for it.
“If you deserve the truth, I deserve it. Why did you wear my ring?”
I exhaled slowly, preparing to put into words something I’d never consciously admitted, even to myself. “Because you were safe, and the ring was like a shield. As long as I wore it, other toms stayed away. That’s what I thought I wanted. Thatiswhat I wanted, four years ago.”
I’d needed to be left alone, when my species needed me to be propagating. Being engaged to Brian with the graduation clause meant I wouldn’t have to think about getting married for four long years. Only those years had felt a lot shorter than I’d expected.
“And the truth is that I thought Iwouldmarry you. I thought that by now we would have fallen in love, because that was what made sense. But love doesn’t make sense, Brian. It isn’t easy, and you can’t just decide to feel it. If we were in love, we’d want to talk to each other all the time, even if all we do is argue. We’d be pulled toward each other any time we’re in the same room. We’d have to fight the urge to touch each other, because we’re not supposed to, but ultimately, we’d lose that fight because when it’s love,it can’t be helped.”
My hand flew to my mouth, as if I could take the words back, but it was far too late for that. I hadn’t known what I was going to say until I was already saying it, and I hadn’t known it was true until I heard it.
“Who are you talking about, Abby? Because it’s not me.”
“No one.” I closed my eyes, horrified by what I’d just done. Conflicted by what I’d just then come to understand.
“It’s Jace, isn’t it?Damnit, Abby, please don’t do this. You know what he’s like. The man’s never met a skirt he didn’t want to lift. Calling himself an Alpha hasn’t changed that.”
A growl began low in my throat. “Callinghimself—”
“You know what I mean. He’s an Alpha with an expiration date. A placeholder. You deserve something better. Someone who will treat you like a treasure. He’s using you—”
“He’s not even doing anything!” Jace had pushed me away. Twice. That was theoppositeof using me. “Listen, I’m so sorry that I said yes for all the wrong reasons. I’m sorry that I let it go this long when I knew we weren’t in love. The best I can do to fix this is to tell you the truth now.” I took a nervous breath. “I won’t blame you if you hate me.”
“I could never hate you,” he said after less than a heartbeat, yet the words sounded hollow. “But I think you’re making a big mistake. You’re going to regret this when you see what he’s really after.”
“He’s not after anything!” I stood to pace on the tile, my face burning with indignation. “This isn’t about Jace. This is about you and me. I have no doubt you could have made our marriage work. But you deserve better than a marriage that has to bemadeto work. Andso do I.”
