“This life comes with no guarantees,” the nomad said. “We fight, we believe, and we hope for an honorable death. I would hate to see you deprived of any of that.”
Though I wasn’t sure he understood what he was doing, my stomach pitched as I watched Eli drive a wedge between two of my friends by offering Grayson exactly what Reese kept trying to protect her from. And I couldn’t blame her for wanting it. I never felt more alive than when I was burning demons from their human hosts.
She turned to Reese. “I want to fight.”
“And I’m sure Reese would love to teach you,” Devi said. She and Maddock had been watching the oddly intense exchange with as much unease as I felt, and when she gave Reese a pointed look, he nodded reluctantly.
Grayson’s eyes lit up, and she threw her arms aroundhim.
“There’s no time like the present!” Eli declared, clearly caught up in her excitement. “I’d be happy to—”
Reese growled from deep in his throat.
Before he could say something we’d all regret, I stepped in with a change of subject. “So, back to the delivering of babies. What’s your infant mortality rate?”
Eli sat straighter, puffed up with pride. “We’re down to sixty-six percent!”
“Wait, you losetwo-thirdsof your entire population as infants?” I glanced at my sister, and the terror squeezing my chest like a giant fist was reflected in her wide, stunned eyes. I’d known Mellie’s baby’s chances were slim in the badlands, but I’d assumed that a community with elders would have much better luck.
“Only because they lack souls. Most of them are born physically healthy.” Eli took in our matching horrified expressions and frowned. “Do more survive in the cities?”
“Nearly one hundred percent,” I said. “But that’s because the Church limits the number of pregnancies and requires that senior citizens become soul donors.” Which was considered both a privilege and a duty of the elderly in Church-run society.
“Soul donors.” Eli’s words echoed with horror. “You kill adults so infants can live?”
“We don’t kill them!” Reese insisted, and though I’d heard him openly criticize the system several times, he seemed determined to disagree with Eli on everything. “They’re volunteers.”
“That’s a total crock of shit,” Devi snapped. “They don’t have any more choice about dying than Nina had about having her tubes snipped. It’s part of the price you pay for the Church’s ‘protection.’ ”
And as painful as her casual mention of my most traumatic memory was, she was right. I hadn’t chosen sterilization. But I woulddamn welldecide what happened to my soul after I was done with it, and if giving it to Mellie’s baby meant I had to die before I reached “elderly,” then so be it.
I had nothing more valuable to give the child, and no one could takethatchoice from me.
“You let infants die so the elderly can live?” Anabelle’s horrified question pulled me from my unspoken determination. “But they’ve alreadylivedtheir lives.”
“It’s not…It doesn’t work like that out here.” Eli frowned. “The elderly—even those with arthritis and cataracts—are better able to fend for themselves and to contribute to society than an infant. If we killed an adult every time a baby was born, the average age of our members would never rise above ten. We wouldn’t stand achancein the badlands.”
I stared at Eli as his point sank in. He was right—survival in the badlands would require not just different skills, but differentsacrificesthan the Church had taught us. I understood that.
But my unborn niece or nephew wouldnotbe one of those sacrifices.
I tried to catch my sister’s attention, to give her a reassuring smile, but her unfocused gaze was aimed at the candle flicking in the center of our circle. Worried, I took her hand and squeezed it. When she looked up, her smile seemed forced, but all I could do was return it.
Melanie couldnotfind out what I was planning until looking into the face of her child made her more willing to accept my decision.
Grayson let go of Reese’s hand and scooted across the floor toward Eli, studying him the way she studied Finn every time he took on a different body. As if he were suddenly a whole new person to get to know. “Tell us about your army. How many soldiers do you have?” She peeked into his box like a curious kitten.
“Well, we’re not that kind of army. We don’t have guns or anything. We fight with what we have. There are almost sixty in our division, with a new one due any day.”
“How do you feed that many people?” Anabelle asked.
“We travel south in the winter because plants bloom longer, but food is always sparse in the cold months, and we’re all a little thin right now. But things will get easier soon, when more vegetation is ready to harvest.”
“Youdolook thin.” Grayson frowned, evidently unaware of the irony. We were thin too. “We have food, and we’d be happy to share!”
Devi scowled, but before she could object, Eli’s face erupted into a broad smile. “That would be much appreciated!”
“Grayson is obviously misinformed about the concept of ‘finders, keepers,’ so let me explain,” Devi said to Eli. “In this scenario we’re the ‘finders,’ so we will ‘keep.’ Try to carry out your weeping at a reasonable volume.”
