I only want to help you.
He heard her voice as if from a great distance, her words echoing in his head over and over, raising a clamor within him that made his head feel as if it might explode.
“No – no – NO,” he shouted, falling back, scrambling out of reach.
More of the same words she’d spoken in his dreams – except he’d never had a nightmare like this one; always they were in the same location,always beginning in precisely the same way. It was perhaps the slight inconsistencies that unbalanced him now, for he’d been confident he was awake before she’d entered the room – but now he couldn’t be certain. He felt frantic, for he knew not whether this was some new game the devil was trying to play.
“This isn’t real,” he said desperately. “This isn’t real –”
She drew close and touched him – a single stroke of her hand along his arm – and the feel of her bare skin against his tortured body was so exquisite he fought back a groan, his chest heaving as he ached.
“Please,” he said, begging himself now. “Please wake up –”
“Look how you suffer,” she said, her voice heavy with grief. She shook her head. “I didn’t realize it would be this awful.”
Look how you suffer.
Look how you suffer.
She dropped to her knees before him, took his face in her hands, and he cried out as he caught fire. Always she healed him when she touched him, but this time the press of her skin felt so real it was terrifying, his heart battering his ribs as her delicate fingers spread along the lines of his jaw, her thumb grazing the slope of his cheek. He made a tortured sound deep in his throat, his eyes closing as relief flooded his veins. He felt as if he might die from this simple pleasure, which awakened within him a bliss that drowned out any last vestiges of pain.
He wanted to live here. Dig his grave and die here.
“Angel,” he breathed. “My angel.”
“Come with me,” she said softly, withdrawing only to take him by the hand. This small gesture frightened him, for it was unbanked in his memory. Never in his dreams had she done something so ordinary as hold his hand, and the press of her small, soft fingers was so gentle – so intimate – he was almost convinced she was truly here.
With excruciating tenderness she helped him rise to his feet, letting go of his hand only to catch the loosened wrap around his waist, tucking its ends neatly so as not to expose him. He felt as if he was apart from his own body, half-alive, reduced to nothing but heat and sensation. He watched, transfixed, as she tended to him with a benevolence he did not deserve, and then he went with her blindly, their hands clasped once again, as she guided him back to the bed. It occurred to him then, with a vague panic, that he’d follow her off a cliff if she were the one to lead him there.
She helped settle him back onto the mattress, searing him where she touched him, then tucked him in, pulling the sheets up to his waist. It was by far the strangest dream he’d ever had, a path with her he’d never before traveled.
He was afraid she was going to leave, but then she sat, lightly, at the edge of the bed, and looked at him with an easy smile. He felt like he was falling backward inside his own body as he stared up at her, gazing into her eyes with the freedom of a man happily detached from his mind. He was surprised to feel the slight tremble of her fingers when she pushed a lock of hair out of his eyes, for she’d never been nervous with him.
“What is it?” he said.
She only shook her head and said, softly, “You’re so beautiful.”
These words detonated inside him, the resulting pang so severe he flinched.
“What’s wrong?” she said, brightening with alarm. “Are you hurting again?”
“No,” he said. “Yes. I don’t know.”
She studied him a moment more, deliberating as she searched his face. “I’ve been sitting just there,” she said, nodding to a chair in a corner, its heavy shadows lifting as a starburst of color shattered across the room. “I must’ve fallen asleep earlier, but I promise I’m not going anywhere. Okay?”
“Okay,” he said.
“You need to rest.”
He swallowed, still staring at her. He wondered if she had any idea what he’d do for her, the worlds he’d destroy for her. “Okay.”
“Good,” she said, almost smiling as she drew her hand over his brow, stealing his breath in the process. “If you need anything at all, I’ll be right over there.”
She stood up to leave and he panicked.
“No,” he said quickly. “Please stay.”
“I am staying,” she said, fully smiling now. She pointed to the chair. “I’ll be right there –”
