Again, the nosta seared her skin.
Alizeh wanted to sit down; she wanted a glass of water; she wanted to submerge herself in a cold bath.
She could only bring herself to say his name.
“I knew, somehow, that it would come to this,” he said, looking away. “I just thought I was stronger. I thought it would take longer. Instead, you’ve managed to sever me in half with astonishing speed.”
“You’re being unfair,” she said, forcing herself to speak, her heart beating painfully in her chest. “You act as if I’m intentionally cruel. As if I’m indifferent to you.”
“Aren’t you?”
“No,” she whispered, her eyes filling with tears. “Of course not.”
Cyrus stared at her from where he stood, his chest heaving with barely leashed intensity. He devastated her with that look, even as he seemed planted in the ground, immovable. “Then be with me,” he said softly. “Let me worship you.”
“Oh, don’t do this,” she said, wiping angrily at her eyes. “This path is too perilous already, and we both know it. Don’t speak of things you cannot give me.”
“You have no idea what I could give you,” he said, his own eyes blazing. “You have no idea what I want. I have been in agony foreight months, Alizeh. Do you know how hard it’s been to pretend I don’t know you? To pretend I don’t want you? To act as if I haven’t known every inch of your body in my dreams? To learn that your heart has been entangled elsewhere? I look at you and I can’t breathe. In my mind, you are alreadymine.”
“Stop,” she said, struggling now to catch her breath. “Don’t talk to me like this— This is dangerous, Cyrus—”
“Then why tell me you care?” he countered. “Why tell me you feel something only to dismiss me? Do you think it’s easy for me to stand here before you and speak so candidly? Do you think me a masochist? Do you think I enjoy this pain?”
“How can you be so self-pitying?” she said miserably. “How can you blame me for the movements of your own heart? How can you hold me accountable for your misfortunes even as you hold hostage my belongings, as you plot and murder under the orders of a despicable beast?
“I understand your turmoil, Cyrus, really, I do. I am not without compassion. I saw enough of your suffering tonight to imagine how wretched you must be. But how can you ask me to trust you with my heart when you still keep secrets from me? When you are beholden to the darkest creature alive, forsaking all others for him, placing his wishes, his demands, above all else?” She shook her head. “No, I could never be with you,” she said. “Not because I am indifferent, but because you could never be faithful to me—you couldnever choose me first—and you should not blame me for my fears.”
He went quite still then, doing nothing to mask the agony printed upon his face. “I might, one day, be free.”
“Maybe,” she allowed. “Until then, you could not know what he might ask of you. You might break me just to please him.”
When he did not deny this—when he only looked at her, looked at her like he wanted to drive a dagger through his chest—she had her answer.
“Where does this leave us, then?” she whispered. “Will you rescind your offer of marriage?”
He laughed, and it was tragic. “How I wish I could.”
“Then I need you to know,” she said, summoning her courage, “that despite everything, I might still accept. In the interest of my own future.”
Her words nearly broke him.
She saw it in his eyes, in the sudden fall of his shoulders, in the way his arms fell heavily at his sides. “After all this—after everything I’ve shared with you tonight—you would become my wife,” he said, his voice ragged, “in title only?”
“Yes,” she said quietly.
“You wouldn’t touch me. Or laugh with me. You wouldn’t share my bed.”
Her heart was beating in her throat. “No.”
“Alizeh, you would make me the most wretched man alive.”
“I’m sorry,” she said, shaking her head as she spoke. “I’m desperately sorry.” Her feeble heart was splintering in herchest and she fought frantically against the ache of it, struggling to hold her ground. She, too, had a path she was meant to follow.
“It’s just that your arguments,” she said haltingly, “your reasoning— The picture you drew— It was undeniably compelling. I’ve been turning over the possibility in my mind all day, and while I haven’t made my decision yet, I know that if I ever hope to have a chance of leading my people, of fulfilling my destiny, I will require an empire—”
“And then?” he said softly. “Will you kill me then? Is this the order in which you intend to annihilate me? Will you tear out my heart first, rip off my crown next, and end my life only when I’m on my knees, begging you to end my misery?”
“Cyrus,” she said desperately. “Please.” She was losing the battle with her tears and struggled to fight back the flood. “I never asked for any of this—all I ever wanted from the world was to disappear.Youbrought me here.Youmade me this offer.Yougave me the opportunity to see what I might be, and I can’t willfully blind myself to the possibility now, not now that I know there are people out there waiting for me—not when I, too, have a duty—”
