“How do you think Mum would feel if I tried to get back in touch?” I asked her.
“Are you kidding me? She’d throw a fucking party! All would be forgiven.”
Not sure about that.
“Yeah, she likes to hold a grudge, but not when it comes to you. You were always her little bestie. She calls me every two days to check up on you, you know that?”
“Really? She does?”
“Look, I get why you drew a line with her in the spring—you needed the space to grieve, she was expecting you to be at her beck and call coaching her through it…It was a mess. You were right to set some boundaries. But she and I both knew you wanted a family and weren’t saying it out loud. I’m sure she was extra clingy andneedy because that’s the only way she knows how to beclosewith you. She was trying to be there for you.”
“By constantly ringing me to talk about how sad she was that Dad died?”
“I didn’t say it was agoodmethod. But I think if you reached out to her now and opened up to her about wanting to have a kid on your own…”
“She won’t get it. She’ll say ‘a baby needs two parents’ and I’ll just feel horrible and completely lose sight of whatIthink about the whole thing.”
“I don’t know. You’re stronger than you used to be—I don’t think that would shake you the way it would have, once. And I reckon she’ll get it more than you think. You know, when I had the miscarriage, she told me she and Dad tried for four years before she had you. Hence the age gap between us. She wanted the whole ‘two under two’ thing, but instead we’re five years apart.”
“You’re kidding. How do I not know this?”
“People don’t talk about fertility and stuff. I mean, fucking hell, you were so unwilling to talk about how badly you wanted kids that you moved to an island in the middle of the Channel and told everyone to call you Charlie.”
That made me laugh. “That was your idea, thank you very much.”
I mean, really, it was Brianna through and through, wasn’t it? My bad-influence big sister, who used to pinch us Wispas from the corner shop on Friday afternoons, who got her first job in telly by walking onto the set ofEastside Closeand pretending to be a runner.
Look at this, her message had read, with the photo of that handwritten letter.Charlie’s been offered this job, but she’s just told me she’s not taking it! Crazy, right? What a missed opportunity!
Had always loved Brianna’s updates on Charlie—classicshameless, boundaryless Bri. When Brianna sent me the picture of the letter, I’d just quit my job in a tearful blur, decided to end yet another failed relationship, dyed my hair and cut myself an extremely high-risk fringe, and was facing the terrifying reality that I wanted a family more than anything, but was once again single.
After years of trying so hard ateverything, I had ended up with nothing.
What a total dream of a job, I had messaged back.Can’t believe she’s giving that up! xx
Brianna had called me immediately.
“So,” she’d said, without a hello, “I have an amazing idea.Youtake it.”
“I take what?”
“The job.”
“Charlie’sjob?”
“She’s taken your man, babe.”
“She has not. He’s not my man anymore. And as far as I’m aware, he’s not her man again yet.” I paused. “Is he?”
“OK, well, no, but she’s been messaging him. Since before you officially broke up, I’m pretty sure.”
“YoulikeCharlie. Are you this much of a bitch to all your friends?”
“I just know where my loyalties lie! She’s a friend, you’re my sister. End of story. Plus she’s been the flakiest flake for the last three months since her mate died—”
“Bri! I imagine she’s probably beengrieving?”
“I know, I know, why do you think I’ve been going around to check on her so much! I am actually officially worried about her, to be fair, but she’s refusing to talk to me about what’s up, so I’ve put someone else on the case. Someone more touchy-feely. Anyway, you’re not taking anything off her because she doesn’t even want it. It’s a dreamy new life going to waste!”
