“I’m fine.” She wiped her cheeks again. “I’m so sorry to be making such a fuss.”
“Please don’t say that. Do men make a fuss?”
She paused for a moment. “No, they never do, do they?”
“Right! So we’re not doing that, either. You’re upset. I’m sure you’re upset for a good reason. Even if the good reason is ‘my hormones are doing a mad dance today because my period is due.’ ”
That got me a little smile. I leaned to pinch her a pack of travel tissues from by the till. Would put them through later. Or just steal them, maybe, since apparently we are all quite chill about borrowing from the shop when need be.
“I can’t talk about it,” Red whispered. “There’s nobody I can tell. I’ve not spoken to my parents since they kicked me out, and my brother lives on the other side of the planet, and he never picks up when I call him anyway…”
Leaned in to hug her, and let her cry into my shoulder.
“I promise I’ve known my fair share of everything going dramatically wrong, and I’m a great listener. And agreatkeeper of secrets. I won’t tell a soul anything you don’t want me to tell.”
She pulled back slowly and reached for the pocket of her hoodie. Her hand stayed there, clutching something.
“I don’t know what to do,” she said miserably.
“That’s OK. Maybe I’ll know.”
“I can’t say it.”
“That’s OK, too. You can write it down. Mime it. I’m excellent at interpreting all forms of expressive dance, too.”
Was staring at the hand in her pocket—felt sure that when she brought it out, saying anything wouldn’t be necessary. Could see herloosening up a little. After a long moment, she gave me the bravest wobbly smile as she pulled her fist from her hoodie and showed me what was inside.
A pregnancy test. Two lines.
My heart did a small, guilty hiccup. But just a small one. Six months ago, seeing a positive pregnancy test in someone else’s hand would have made me wretched with jealousy, then full of shame at not being able to feel joyful for them. Then would descend into panic as I went through the same old cycle of thoughts: what if I’m not with the right man, what if he’ll never want kids with me, what if I never have this? Then I’d probably spend a day trying to convince myself I didn’t want it that badly anyway, and there was plenty of time, and it wasfine, I wasfine, it wasfineto wait.
I know myself so much better now. If I’d realized back then how anxious I can get about other people’s opinions of me, I’d have clocked that I’d spent the last decade tiptoeing around wanting kids in case I freaked out my boyfriend or he thought I was being (God forbid) Too Much. I’d have recognized that Idowant a baby, a lot, and don’t want to wait.
Sitting there with Red, it was easy to let the envy pass through me and drift away again, because I understood it. I’ve forgiven it. Even better: I’ve taken this choice into my hands. No more subtle hinting and desperately hoping. No more letting a man decide when it’s time. I’m doing this on my own. I’m in control.
So I smiled at her. “Red,” I said softly. “You’re pregnant.”
She burst into another flood of tears, leaning into me again. It was a totally awkward mess of a hug, but she didn’t seem to mind, so I held her as best I could on the shop floor and let her cry.
“Oh, honey…Do you not want—”
“I do. I want to have the baby,” she whispered into my shoulder. “But…Charlie…”
Ding! went the little bell above the shop door.
We sprang apart in a flurry of tissues. I tried to stand, ended up getting stuck under Red’s knee, bashed my elbow on the counter, belatedly realized her hair was caught in the button on my shirt collar, and by the time this impromptu game of Twister was over, Marly was there, leaning over the counter, staring down at us with a perplexed expression.
“Are you two…”
She trailed off. Her gaze had landed on the pregnancy test lying on the flagstones between us.
I looked at Red’s face. In the split second of silence, she gave a tiny, pleading, desperate shake of her head.
I turned to Marly. “That’s mine,” I said. “Sorry. That’s mine.”
Swiped it up and shoved it in my pocket. Silence stretched.
“If you could just pretend you never saw that, I’d appreciate it,” I said to Marly.
