“I…think I said it’s great?”
“Right. I’m going to give it a go, I think,” Aspen said, dropping my hands, lifting her chin and marching through the dancers toward Galoshes and her microphone.
“There she goes! Brazen as anything!” someone said.
“Will you shut up?” I snapped at them.
“Jones!” Red said in surprise behind me. “I mean—Oliver.”
“Everyone’s treating Char—Aspen like crap. Hardly anyone’s talking about whatIdid.”
“Oh, well, yes, it’s sexism, through and through,” Red said, coming to stand beside me as Aspen scaled the stage. “Is this a good idea?” she asked speculatively.
“I have a good feeling about it,” I said.
“Excuse me, everybody?” Aspen said, taking the microphone from Galoshes’s hands. “If I could just interrupt.”
“Really?” Red said beside me. “I have a kind of ominous feeling.”
“I want to introduce myself. Properly. Hi, I’m Aspen.”
The mutterings around us were not positive.
“A lot of you are upset with me, which is totally understandable. I came here under false pretenses, and I took a job that wasn’t rightfully mine. I’m so sorry for deceiving you, and I know lots of you will feel like you don’t know me now. So I want to just take a quick moment to tell you my story.
“I’m thirty-seven years old. For the last ten years, I’ve wanted to have a baby.”
Everyone was absolutely silent now.
“I dated. I fell in love, a lot, and kind of…wishfully, you know? Maybe this guy is good enough. Maybe this guy. Maybe this one. I got so good at reshaping myself for different people, and being the woman they wanted, because that was my best shot, right?If I could just get a man to stick, I could have the life I ached for. Because when I say I wanted a baby…I mean, the wanting consumed me. I hid it, of course, because nobody likes a crazy lady who’s desperate to pin you down and have your babies, do they?That’sdefinitely not sexy. So I played it cool, and I lied, and I trained myself to be the perfect girlfriend.
“In the end, there was nothing special about the guy who broke me. I think that waswhyit broke me. As soon as he told me he didn’t want to have a kid, I realized, I don’t even like you that much. I like the idea of you, and I like what you might be able to give me, but what the hell am I doing trying to tie my life to somebody I don’t even love?”
“Oh, poor soul,” someone murmured behind me. “There’s nothing quite like that baby fever.”
“I needed to change something. Somethingbig.And then the opportunity to work at the farm shop here on Ormer, and be somebody else, just landed in my lap, and I…took it. It’s not like me. I promise. But it was such a unique chance, and I needed something drastic.
“I know this sounds strange, but almost as soon as I got here, Istoppedpretending. As Charlie Jones, I started to ask myself who I actually am when I’m not trying to fit what someone else thinks I should be. I started to learn about myself and what I really want. I committed…”
Her voice faltered, and then she forged on.
“I committed to pursuing motherhood solo.”
“Good for you, sweetheart!” someone shouted.
Aspen’s eyes filled with tears. “Thank you,” she said, with fervor. “But you don’t need to say that. You actually don’t. Two months ago, I knew I couldn’t tell anyone my plans, because if they judged or questioned me, I’d lose sight of what I wanted. ButI’ve come a really long way, and I don’t think there’s anything any of you could say that would change my mind. I know what I want. And I’m not going to let anyone hold me back any longer.”
Her eyes drifted to me, just for a moment. I thought of what she’d said that night we kissed on the sofa—she’d told me shecouldn’t, not now, that she wasn’t looking for a relationship. I’d figured she was still heartbroken over an ex, or grieving a lost love. I’d never imagined that the reason she was determined to keep me at a distance was because she was afraid I’d ruin her plans to have a child.
“Anyway, thanks for your time,” she said. “And nice to meet you all again properly.”
I pushed my way through to her as she handed the microphone back to Galoshes.
“Aspen, that was amazing,” I said, reaching for her hand.
I thought she’d be exhilarated, proud of herself. But her eyes were filled with anxiety when she looked at me.
“So, hey, turns out, you? Different category from everyone else!” she said, pulling her hand from mine and backing toward the barn doors, which were thrown open to the autumn sunset.
