“I knew you were just out of a very serious relationship with a woman who didn’t want children. I didn’t want to scare you off, I suppose. I thought that once you were settled in a new serious relationship, you might start to think about having a family, if your partner wanted one. And you made that comment, about not wanting to be a dadright now…”
“I don’t even—”
“Yes, I know,” she said, voice sharp. “It was a throwaway remark.”
“I’m sorry. It was thoughtless. But you never seemed…I just got the impression you were fun and easy about stuff. I honestly didn’t think about the whole kids thing until the day with the Uber.”
She looked down at her tea for so long, he wasn’t sure if he was supposed to say something else.
“You have no idea what it’s like,” she said at last. “The ticking clock. Wanting a child so much you feel like you’re living the wrong life, because all you want is to be a mother, but you date men, and you date men, and men are justshit, you know? Theyallfall short. But I kept hoping, and I told myself every time that the next one would be better. And, yes, I maybe…wasn’t up-front about what I wanted right away with you. But in myvastexperience of the datingscene, men spook easily, and sometimes they don’t know what they want until a woman has shown them.”
Jones raised his eyebrows before he could help himself.
“What?” she said. “Tell me—did you know you wanted to get married when you met your ex?”
“I mean…I was a child when I first met Charlie.”
“What gave you the idea of proposing when you did?”
He thought about it, and then stopped thinking about it, because that was proving Aspen’s point.
“This has nothing to do with Charlie, anyway,” he said, but he knew instantly it was a lie. If he’d not received that text on the way here, what conversation would he be having? There was a horrible truth in what Aspen had told him at St. James’s Park: he did hate being alone. If he couldn’t have Charlie…He shifted in his seat. Aspen had been a great second choice, and he couldn’t say with certainty that he’d have given her up for anything but the possibility of his Charlie coming back to him.
Aspen was watching him shrewdly.
“You never did love me the way you loved her, did you?”
“I…I was with her for most of my life, Aspen, it’s hard to explain that sort of relationship to…”
“Someone like me? Someone who can’t make them stick?”
“I didn’t say that.”
The tension was rising. Jones was beginning to sweat. He had never told Aspen why he’d left Charlie—he’d never told anybody. The drinking had been her secret, and it would have been disloyal to share it. But without it, it was hard to explain the nature of their breakup—how he really had thought there was no hope left for them, but how now that there was…
“Well, anyway, you can close off this chapter now,” she said. “Your fun year withfunAspen. A year that doesn’t matter to you.A year I’ll never get back. You’ll go back to her, presumably? Yes, I can see in your face you’re already half there.”
“I’m not! I’m not. And it’s not that I didn’t love you, Aspen,” Jones said, readjusting his cap. He didn’t want things to end like this—he didn’t want to leave her with the impression he’d treated her badly, particularly as he was just starting to think with horror that he might have done. “It’s more that you’re…”
“Mm. I get it, don’t you worry.” Aspen’s smile was cold and brittle as she said, “I’mjustnot Charlie Jones, am I?”
From:Charlie Jones
To:Charlie Jones
Subject:Hellooooo
Hey,
I told you this was a great plan. I’ve been squirreled away up here in Puffin room all night and all morning, and I promise nobody’s clocked I’m here. I’ve been quiet as a mouse. You were so hilarious last night. It basically took the threat of me sleeping on a random dark bench for you to sneak me in here, and look! No harm done! I told you so.
That said, if youcouldcome and get me soon, that would be fab. I didn’t totally think through what it would feel like staying in this room, and I’ve run out of snacks, plus I want to hear how it went when you told new Charlie your real name. Have you found her yet?!
Also, I dodged when you asked about Berty while we were getting me set up here—I’m sorry. I know you and I aren’t really standard exes but weweretogether and I felt weird discussing him with you! Which is so daft given you’ve written me a hundred emails about how much you luuurve Charlie. (I called that long before you did, by the way. “Oh, she’s such a nuisance!” he says. “Oh, I wish she wasn’t here!” Load of bollocks.)
As soon as you get back from your Charlie-hunting mission I promise I’ll fill you in on everything that’s gone down between me and Berty over the last couple of months. Short answer is, yes, I still love him, God, so much, and we’ve been messaging loads, but that’s it so far. I’m so scared that if I go back to him I’ll fall off the wagon and screw it up again, and how the hell do you know when you’re ready?? You know?
Anyway, wow, I can see why you sent me all those emails, this is great, isn’t it? Way easier than talking in person. Especially when there is almost no entertainment. Hint hint.
