“I don’t love that,” said Jesse. “It’s an uncontrolled variable. Has anything like this ever happened before?”
Vivienne shook her head.
“What do you think it means?” asked Reed.
“I don’t know.” Jesse peered back down at the bird, scrubbing a hand over his jaw. “I want to try and do a full workup of Vivienne in her altered state ahead of the procedure.”
Reed whistled. “Sounds like a great way to end up like Faber.”
“We’ll muzzle her if we have to. I’m not going into this blind.”
What about the bird?asked Vivienne, a little desperately.
“The bird is dying, Vivienne,” said Jesse coldly. “You killed it.”
What about Tommy?churned the thoughts in her head.What about Tommy?She couldn’t bring herself to ask. Had she killed him, too? Had she left him there on the pool house floor to claw at his eyes and tear at his flesh? Had his heart given out? Had he died all alone?
She hadn’t meant to scream.
“I can’t do anything to help the bird,” added Jesse, “but I’ll do my best to help you.”
Thank you, she signed, touching the trembling tips of her fingers to her chin.
“I’m not doing this out of the goodness of my heart. You’ve got my back against the wall, and you know it.”
When he was gone, only she and Reed remained. The rest of the sanctuary had slowly emptied, as though none of the pledges could bring themselves to stay too close. She couldn’t blame them. She was going to extraordinary lengths to get as far from herself as possible.
“You seem quiet,” said Reed. She shot him a look, and he amended, “Well, for you.”
I tried to find you, she signed.At the party.
“Yeah?” Reed arched a brow. “How come?”
I was having second thoughts.
He examined her sideways. “Are you still?”
She didn’t answer. Gingerly, she took the box from him, peering down at the bird within. Its eyes had clouded over, its breathing slowed. Her heart gave a bitter pang. She couldn’t shake the horrible feeling that she’d gone about everything wrong. She was usually more cautious. She was, as a person, extraordinarily calculated. She planned out every move in advance, controlled every last variable.
Thomas’s arrival earlier that summer had knocked her off-center. He’d made her reactive. Rash. Reckless. In just a few short weeks, she’d grown into someone impulsive, all heart and humiliation.
It was too late for second thoughts.
It didn’t matter how she’d made her decisions, only that they’d been made. There was no other choice now but to see them through to the end.
Exhausted, she sank down into a pew. Reed sat next to her. For some time, they sat side by side and watched the sun spark through the bloodred robes of a martyred saint. She held the box tight in her lap, watching the sparrow struggle for air. It seemed like the kindest thing she could do—bear witness to its suffering.
Or maybe it was the cruelest. Maybe it was kinder to put it out of its misery. She was too much of a coward to do anything but watch, a silent witness unto death. It’s all she ever was, in the end.
“What you’re doing is selfish,” said Reed, startling her. She’d nearly forgotten he was there at all. He hooked his elbows over the cap rail and added, “What do you think it’s going to do to the people who love you when you don’t survive?”
She wanted to tell him there was no one in all the world who loved her, but it was an unbearable thing to admit.
Instead, she signed,I’m not planning to die.
“But you don’t care if you do.” When she didn’t deny it, he let out a quiet laugh. “I’m not staying, Viv. For the surgery, I mean. I’m forfeiting my membership.”
Surprised, she turned to face him.Why?
