“Yet you still lost,” she says.
The wound of defeat is still fresh. “That wasn’t my fault.”
“Let me guess,” says Mathson. “The Vale boy promised that if you helped him, when he’s Praeceptor, he’ll alter the law so that aikkari don’t have to report themselves.”
“No,” I say furiously. “He has no idea I’m aikkari and I’d be a fool to confide in him.”
“Then what did he promise you?”
“Nothing. We’re not allies.”
Mathson doesn’t believe me. He squints, analyzing my every move for a sign of deceit. “Let me be clear, Remira. If Lucien loses, I don’t care what the Vale boy said to you. I will make sure the decurio knows the truth about you. I’ll make sureeveryoneknows about you.”
My teeth grind together. I’m sure to Mathson and Yelina it looks as though I’m angry—and I am—but in truth, it’s all I can do to keep myself from sobbing. “Then it’s a good thing he won’t lose.”
I don’t say anything else. Partly because I’m so livid, my throat feels raw. Partly because I’m worried if I speak, they’ll hear how choked up I am from suppressing tears.
Mathson and Yelina have always been awful. They’ve yelled at and threatened me plenty of times before, but everything feels different now. We’re nearing the end of the Tournament, and I feel like I’m balancing on the point of a needle, seconds away from slipping into failure.
It’s as if I’m observing my body from a distance as I shuffle through the motions. I watch myself go to my room. Watch myself root through my things and pull out a coat, sjaal, and gloves. Watch as I hurry through the halls and tumble outside.
It’s freezing, and harsh winds pelt me with snow, but here in the cold night air, I can finally breathe. I press my back to the stone exterior of Widow’s Hall. My knees buckle and I let myself fall.
Away from prying eyes, conniving Opheran bastards, and parents who despise me, I cry.
Snow batters me, and I welcome it. It feels a whole lot better than being kicked around indoors.
I close my eyes, allowing my tears to freeze and my mind to lose itself in the labyrinth of time.
Minutes pass. I keep my eyes closed.
“Remira.” It’s Kaidren’s voice, shouting to be heard over the roaring wind.
Internally, I groan. He’s the last person I want to see right now.
I peel open my eyes. “What do you want?”
“How long have you been out here? You’re frozen solid.” He ignores my protests as he takes me by the sleeve and drags me inside. I bat at his arm the whole way, until he finally releases me. “It seems a waste to save you from exposure only for you to die of it later the same day.”
My outer garments are dripping wet from the snow. Melted slush puddles in the hall. I purse my lips as my eyes sting yet again.What’s wrong with me today?I hardly ever cry. Tonight, I’m a damn rainstorm. “I was just getting some air.”
“You look as if you were crying.”
“Sorry to disappoint, but I wasn’t.”
He frowns. “I’m not disappointed. I don’t want you to cry.”
“Then what the hell was that speech?” I shake myself, regretting the words as soon as they’re out. I don’t want him to see he’s managed to get under my skin. “Never mind. Don’t answer that.”
He’s studying my face, noting the redness around my nose and eyes and the dried tear trails on my cheeks. His expression is soft with pity and something deeper. Something I can’t name, nor do I want to.
Fed up with his scrutiny and the force of my own tangled emotions, I breeze past him, headed for my bedroom.
Of course, stubborn ox that he is, he trails after me.
“Leave me alone, Vale.”
“Why are you so angry?”
