It took months, but honestly, I was surprised how easy it was. Even then, I was a girl made of shadows. No one looked at me twice as I took what I needed. Finding the lies to fill the tshira was even easier. My mother lied all the time, with cruel men who lied right back, and to me.
I gathered up all the deception in my life and stockpiledmagic in the tshira. Then I used it to rid myself of the only person in the world who loved me.
Losing her took every scrap of tshira and all my waning energy. As she slept, I held my small, trembling hands to her forehead and sobbed myself dry.
I didn’t have to fake the tears I wept at the threshold to the Kyler manor when I told them my mother was gone. When I told the father I despised that I was alone, desperate, and devastated.
For that first year, I lived in constant fear Mathson would figure it out. I shouldn’t have bothered. Opherans starve and freeze and die. It’s our lot in life, and Mathson easily accepted that the same fate befell my mother. I think he only regretted that I was spared.
“Remira.” Kaidren’s voice rouses me from my thoughts. “Why?”
“She was dying.” I sound hoarse. “We were out of food and money. She could only afford to feed me. Whenever she told me she’d already eaten, I knew she was lying. She would have died if I hadn’t left.”
“It’s been seven years. Are you going to keep the truth from her for the rest of her life?”
I don’t have an answer, so I don’t give one.
He sighs. “That wasn’t an attack. I’m genuinely asking. One true thing?”
It’s the first time he’s asked me that and expected an answer to a direct question.
My voice is pathetic and feeble as I say, “Do you know what it feels like to have unequivocal proof that the person you love most would be better off if you never existed?”
Kaidren’s mouth falls open, horrified. “That’s not true.”
“It is.” I tighten my arms around my knees. “Memorymagic isn’t permanent. I come here every month to make sure she never remembers. Maybe I’m horrible, but the first time I returned, I thought—I don’t know—that maybe she’d be miserable. That she’d feel there was something missing.” My throat tightens, and my vision blurs with tears I refuse to shed. “She washappy. Happier than I’d seen her in years.”
Every day for seven years, I’ve told myself it was worth it. Mathson and Yelina hate me, my brother treats me like a servant, and the mountain I used to dream of is crueler than I ever imagined. But it’s all worth it if Aja finally has enough.
She doesn’t know to love me anymore. Seeing her smile at me with kindness and not affection cleaves my heart in two, but it’s worth it—ithasto be—because once upon a time, I was loved by someone who wanted nothing from me. Even if she doesn’t remember, I’ll hold on to those memories tight enough for the both of us.
“I’m sorry.” Kaidren squeezes my hand. “Truly. But you have to tell her.”
I don’t think I could handle it. Letting her memories return, watching that flicker of recognition ignite, seeing how much she loves me—and then watching the reality of all the misery my existence causes her settle in.
I want her to be happy. But there’s a small, awful part of me that wishes she was as miserable without me as I’ve been without her. As much as I miss her, the only thing worse than watching her life improve without me would be watching it worsen again with my return.
“We’re not here to talk about Aja.” I keep my secret fears to myself. “We need to discuss your father. Whoever killed him is the same person who framed me, and they blackmailed Selva Sixmen into resigning from the Honorate.”
Kaidren wants to push the subject of my mother further,but with a resigned nod, he accepts the new topic of conversation. “There’s someone blackmailing the Honoratebesidesthe Shadow Queen?”
I tell him about the imposter Shadow Queen and her threats surrounding Selva Sixmen’s wife.
Kaidren’s brows shoot up. “You thought that wasme?”
“It made sense at the time,” I say defensively.
“I’m flattered you think I’m so diabolical.”
It’s on the tip of my tongue to point out that he’s spent the past two years poisoning his own father, but he continues before I can. “If you’re right, that means Flynn isn’t really Selva’s son.”
“I can’t prove it. I don’t even know for sure that Neveah had an affair, let alone who it was with.”
Kaidren looks thoughtful. “What if it wasmyfather? Think about it. The fake Shadow Queen killed Arliss and blackmailed Selva—but what’s the connection between them?”
There isn’t one, far as I can tell. The only thing that connects Selva and Arliss is that they both used to be Honorate.
UnlessNeveah Sixmen had an affair with Arliss Vale and birthed his son—Flynn.
