“It hasn’t started yet,” I insist. “Like I said, I’m not sorry for trying to save my friends from losing their jobs when Brad was going to pull the rug out from under them. I’d do all that again.
“What Iamsorry for is how I handled things. With you. Losing my job and losing you: those two things don’t even compare. That you could think for one second that I don’t care about you, that you’re not the number one thing I care about, just tells me how badly I fucked everythingup.”
I’m rushing to get the words out now, like I’m a podcast on 2x speed.
“I love you, Connor. I love you at can’t-sleep-at-night levels. It was not supposed to be like this. Falling in love at work is a bad idea! But I couldn’t stop it even if I wanted to. I know I made a huge mess of things, and I understand if after this conversation you never want to see me again, and that would be fair, but just in case there’s a chance that you do, then I just want you to know that I think you’re amazing. Like so, so special. The best person I’ve ever met, actually. And if you ever want to give me the chance to make it up to you, I would really like to do that. I already have a few ideas.”
Connor doesn’t react at all. It’s silent except for the roaring in my ears.
He clears his throat.
“What are the ideas?”
My heart soars. I holdout.
“No. Your turn. What did Ben want you to askme?”
He shrugs. “If you wanted a job.”
“Oh,” I say, disappointed. “Um, that’s sweet of him. But I think my Taskio days are done.”
“Oh, not at Taskio. Sorry, didn’t I mention? He quit too.”
“BEN QUIT TOO?”
His mouth twists. “Why is it that whenever I tell you something, you’re way more surprised about Ben?”
I could cry with the relief of Connor’s gentle teasing, the dumb way he razzes me up about everything. I want to getdown on my knees and beg him to make fun of me every day, forever.
“Sorry,” I say, trying to keep it together, to see this conversation through, when all I really want to do is launch myself at his chest. But I don’t know my rights; he hasn’t said I’m forgiven. There’s no mention of him lovingme.
“Here I was thinking you’d be surprised thatIquit.”
“I’m more than surprised. I couldn’t believe it when Marty told me. I thought—or I don’t know, I was worried it had something to do withme.”
“It did,” he says simply.
I close my eyes, and swallow. How much trouble did I get him into?
“I’m sorry, Connor. But whatever it is, it’s probably not too late to undo it. They’re going to fall to pieces without you there. You can call them and negotiate, make it better.”
“Can I say something now?”
What I see in his eyes when I finally open mine sends my heartbeat into a gallop. He steps in closer, gently reaching forward to catch my hand.
“After the all-hands last Thursday, I was mad at you. And then I was just really mad at myself,” he tellsme.
“I wasn’t trying to be on the wrong side. Or to give you shit about trying to help your friends. I fucking hate Brad just as much as everyone else does. I was angry because as soon as I realized what you’d set in motion at the all-hands I knew one way or another I was about to lose you. And hurt that you didn’t trust me to fixit.
“After Brad ordered me to fire you, it all just felt sopointless.The thought of having to continue on day after day without you at Taskio was unbearable, and not just because of your coding skills,” he adds, with a goofy smile.
My laugh is watery. Hearing him say all this is overwhelming.
He keeps going.
“The truth is, I was unhappy there. I had been for a long time. I was toeing the line because I didn’t have the energy to do anything else. As soon as you left, I realized what Ben had been banging his head against the wall trying to tell me for months. I was so ground down by the politics of it all, I forgot I could choose something different. Turns out you were right when you said I was a Taskio bot,” he adds, his smile crooked.
“Connor,” I say, squeezing his hand. “I never really thought that. I was just running my mouth.”
