ANDY:All good
I breathe a sigh of relief. Everything is under control. Connor won’t be happy if he knows I tipped them off, but when the alternative is doing nothing and watching more of my friends get laid off, I tell myself it was worth the risk. Andy will do what Andy does best, and Connor will be none the wiser.
—
The product department’s all-hands meeting is a quarterly get-together where the entire department (plus a few interlopers) meet to brainstorm and share updates about what they’re working on. In theory, this leads to innovation. In reality, this leads to mudslinging.
When you put a bunch of spoiled, competitive product managers in a room, only chaos can follow. Product squads are tribal by nature—we spend all our time working in little pods, after all—but it feels particularly toxic at Taskio. All-hands meetings have the air of aReal Housewivesreunion, except worse, because none of these people are being paid to generate this level of drama.
It feels particularly charged when I get to the pit today. The hum of conversation has an edge to it, somehow. I wonder how much of this is because the last round of layoffs is still fresh in everyone’s minds, or if it’s just the fact that we all know Brad will be in attendance. The man is a panic attack on legs.
Martin, John, and I all walk down together, and I leave them near the front to say hello to some of my old Jotter crew. Connor is on the opposite side of the room, leaning against the wall and chatting away with Sven, no doubt about their two favorite subjects, software and data. Ben already warned us he’d be late—I watch him slip in at the back just as Brad goes up front to deliver a ridiculously self-importantintroduction to the session, telling the crowd it’s time for us tooperate in our zone of geniusand thatwe are all just fireworks, giving off sparks.
The session follows its predictable format—an endless stream of product managers talking about the features they’re working on, some exciting (a new calendar view), and some not (a green button will be reverting to its original blue).
Though Brad promised to let the product squads “do their thing,” he has not been a passive spectator—he interrupts frequently. I don’t know how anyone can stand it. I never paid him much attention when I worked in Product. I’ve really come to hate him since joining DatStrat.
Next is Andy. I cross my fingers behind my back, willing him to do well. I expected him to launch straight into the use case for the integrated template library, but he takes things in a different direction, mostly talking about the ethos of Jotter, instead, and some of the big-picture ideas Jotter’s product team had before the companies merged.
These updates are supposed to be a couple of minutes apiece. Andy has held the floor for over five minutes now and doesn’t look like he’s slowing down. It gradually dawns on me that he’s doing something much bigger than trying to save his product squad. Too late, I realize he’s probably going for the shock factor.
“As you’re all well aware, most of Jotter’s product teams disbanded and joined existing squads when we merged. Except for three squads, who continued to work on existing projects that, though very different for Taskio, would, to borrow Mr. Pincer’s phrasing, make atangible impactwhen brought to market. Two of those projects were effectively killed last month when their squads got laid off. Here’s why it would be a mistake to kill the integrated templates too…”
Oh, shit. It can only be seconds until the other guys realize what I’ve done.
Connor figures it out first. He looks up at me slowly, his eyes boring into mine in an absolute death stare from all the way across the room. I can’t bear it; I duck my head like the chicken that Iam.
Sixty seconds later I see Ben’s head snap up when Andy mentions the rollout of Version 3.0. The longer he speaks, the bigger Ben’s frown grows. Then his eyes roam, seeking out Connor. The two of them exchange a look. My skin prickles.
John is third to piece it together. He gently whacks Martin, the back of his arm connecting to his chest. Martin leans in, then nods at whatever John has whispered. They both look queasy.
I am in trouble, I am in so much trouble.
It feels like the temperature of the room has plummeted by about four hundred degrees, but I am panicked, and warm, and desperately trying not to showit.
The mention of Version 3.0 sends a wave of murmurs flying around the room, and Brad is quick to try and cut Andy off at the pass, saying product decisions for V3 have yet to be made.
“Really? I’ve heard you want to roll it out as early as September. Is this incorrect?”
Shit. Shit shit shit.
Brad has no choice but to acknowledge that it’s something the leadership team is considering. Andy responds by asking if the accelerated timeline has anything to do with rumors of an upcoming flotation.
Brad says he doesn’t know where Andy would have heard that. Andy looks him dead in the eye and says he has it on good authority it was under discussion with Data Strategy as recently as this week.
OK. Now I’m fucked.
The roomexplodes.Andy’s update is completely forgotten as product managers shoot question after question in Brad’s direction, and it takes him several minutes to get the room back under control. Brad turns his head toward Connor at one point. The look he gives him is absolutely lethal. My stomach drops when I realize that Connor has probably been petitioning Brad behind the scenes already. He’s probably assuming Andy’s coup is also Connor’s doing.
The questions keep coming. Andy has clearly given a heads-up to some of the more senior squad leaders—several push Brad on strategies and timelines for V3. He could get fired for this. I don’t think he cares.
The general consensus is much the same as Sven and Connor’s from last week: they’re dreaming if they want V3 to roll out in September with a whole host of new features. Brad finally gets so exasperated that he just shuts the session down with an ominous warning that any updates will always come through official channels.
—
I lose Connor in the crowd, but find Andy as he’s being patted on the back by another Jotter product manager.
“Andy, what the hell was that,” I hiss at him, drawing him away from the others.
