Ann’s heart caught in her throat. Had Will admitted to Mr. Flynn that he believed as she did?
Ann peeked her head around and saw Will pile the bones of the animal onto a canvas. “I told you; I am not a part of them.”
Just as quickly, Ann’s heart crashed down on the too-familiar seesaw it had been riding today. She knew it was true; he wasn’t a part of them, not yet.
“Why do you care so much?” He challenged Mr. Flynn.
“Just want to make sure ye aren’t losing yer mind. I’ve told ye since the beginning to steer clear of it all.”
“Yes, I know.” Will seemed perturbed, and Ann wished she knew exactly what his thoughts were on the matter. Was he having doubts, or did he agree with Mr. Flynn? How she wished she could insert herself into the conversation and address her concerns right there, but she constrained herself.
Two more sailors came near, and Will eyed them carefully. After a moment he gestured to the remains of the dolphin and then out to sea. “Hasn’t this shown you I am the same as always? You can be sure my every concern is for this crew.”
The sailors patted Will on the back, congratulating him on the catch, but Ann’s mind couldn’t let go of the last words.The same as always. The blessing, the Book of Mormon, her testimony, the way they’d been preserved thus far—if none of it pricked his heart to alter his belief, then she didn’t know what else would.
She recalled what he’d said last night. Hehadseemed changed; every word had felt genuine. She wouldn’t give in to the fear that they had been convenient words just to appease her.
But they’d never spoken of the future or of expectations about believing or joining the Church. Oh, how she wished they had, now. She wanted a future with him, but if they were to ever be together, she needed him to believe.
The uncertainty of the realization stung, and she wiped her lips with the back of her hand, suddenly wishing she could rid herself of the warm memory of last night.
While the men were preoccupied, she snuck out of her spot and took the middle hatchway down to the steerage. The food aboard had grown increasingly meager in the past two weeks, so the prospect of fresh meat put all the passengers in a good mood. Ann followed the others to the long galley table where she now took her meals. Once settled by several other people, she searched for anything to take her mind off the words she’d just heard.
Her doubts, however, followed her no matter where she went.
“I like th’ taste of this,” said Sister Brower, who was among the first to take a bite of the prepared meat. “A mite oily, but good nonetheless!”
Droves of people filtered through the galley as they took turns getting some of the dolphin meat. Though her stomach longed for something fresh, Ann couldn’t bring herself to try it.
Instead, she remained in a cast-off corner, away from everyone else.
Somehow, the symbol of the dolphin hurt too much. It reminded her of all she didn’t know.
Chapter 35
April 12, 1854
50 days at sea
Illuminated by a solitary candle, the quiet sick bay proved an apt place for reflection. Ann sat stationed on a small stool between the cots of Rhuben and Levi Davies. Dr. Rowley was in the room next door with another terrible case of smallpox.
Ann looked toward Judith. “I think it’s best you go gather their mother and father, they might not have much longer.” The boys’ decline had been terribly swift in the last hour.
Judith rose from her own stool and walked out the door.
The boys did not stir, their faces dotted with sweat, their eyes too weary to open. Ann held one of each of their hands as the smallpox ravaged their young bodies.
Enough people had died so far this journey—three more in the last three days—that she knew death was dangerously near. The doctor had told Ann they’d contracted the child’s version of the disease that was far worse than the usual speckled monster.
Oh how she wanted to save them.
Oh how she wished their earlier blessings could rescue them from their fates.
But God had other plans for them. Sometimes God helped people through their trials. And sometimes He released them from them.
She grasped each little hand tighter.
There she sat, in the silence. The solitude drove her reflections to the surface. She’d started the journey in the company of her full family, and then little Addy had died. Out of a feeling of wanting to be useful, she’d volunteered in the sick bay. But that had left her more isolated when she had to be separated from her family. And then, despite her loneliness, she’d come to know Will, but only in time to have him stripped away too.
