If so
how could we let each other go?
154.
once, that night
I texted backWait
Wait for me
Don’t do it yet
I’m on my way
I had to find the keys had to find the keys where did I put the keys
I remembered what Syd had said
about howEllaknew she still hadn’t jumped.
Syd was right.
My giving Ella the manifesto—
My telling her we couldn’t be friends, after promising to help her—
All summer long, I’d felt like Syd was forcing Ella to jump
and now it was me
sending her over the edge.
155.
now
I hear the water pouring over the spillway and into the pool, a deep blue-black green in the just-fallen night. The last of the light glints off the water. At the top of the cliff, trees cling to the edges where the stone crumbles away.
I am almost at the jump.
156.
once, that night
I was driving too fast but everything finally felt crystal clear.
Screen-blue light seeped through windows. Kids were playing outside as the night came down. There was a snick-hiss of sprinklers coming on in some of the yards, and through my rolled-down window, I could smell burgers being grilled.
I passed other cars along the road. People out with their dogs. A woman opened the door of her house, carrying a plate of cookies, and walked across the yard to the house next door.
A man pushed his lawnmower into the garage.
There was a group of lanky middle schoolers talking by a mailbox at the curb, some kids gathered in the park at the end of the road, their parents watching.
There were people jogging along the road, teenagers walking together in knots on the sidewalk, students sprawled in the long grassy areas by the college dorms.
I still thought,I can fix it.
