“No, no,” I told her. “It’s nothing you’ve done.”
“Is it because I didn’t jump?”
“What?” I said. “No. It has nothing to do with that. And nothing to do with you. You’re awesome.”
“Okay,” she said. Her eyes were wide. I could tell she was reeling, trying to understand. “Okay.”
“You can still text me,” I said. “I’ll still give you rides. But that’s all. Okay?”
I turned away before I could hear her answer.
I was trying to help.
I thought she would be better off if I wasn’t around.
I know.
Believe me, I know. You could pave a road to hell with my good intentions.
It felt like it took forever to walk to my car, to climb inside and drive away.
I ruin everything,I thought.
But I never meant to ruinher.
147.
now
The farmland is strange without animals in it. The horse pastures are empty.
Long and lean and beautiful, the animals that used to live here, that used to race us and make us laugh. Because we knew we could never beat them, no matter how hard we tried.
148.
once, that night
I didn’t get far. Two streets over, into the Verity parking lot. Through the door with the chime, to the register with the chalkboard menu up on the wall behind it.
“Hi,” I said. “I’d like a scoop of peaches and cream.” That was the flavor Alex and I had been up to eat next, before the summer went off the rails, before we missed each other and he said it couldn’t change.
“Sure,” Sam said. Our eyes locked before he looked away to pick up a scoop. There was a strain in his voice that no one else in line would likely have noticed but me.
He handed me the ice cream and looked near me but not at me as he rang me up. “There you go,” he said.
“Thanks,” I said.
I used to kiss along the line of your jaw and you used to catch your breath. You used to put your hands on my shoulders, wrap them around my waist, rest them on my hips.
I sat at a table out on the patio and ate my ice cream. It was delicious.I think when you’re depressed, you’re supposed to not eat,I thought.You’re supposed to be all faint and wan and heroin-chic.
But I was so hungry.
Someone had left a printed copy of the ice cream flavor menu on the table. A corner of it was missing, and all of it was sticky.
Someone sat down across from me.
Sam.
