144.
once, that night
“Hey,” I said to Alex. I’d been waiting for a moment when he wasn’t talking to anyone. People were gathering in smaller groups, and the bonfire was in full blaze, logs snapping, the flames high enough that I wondered if the police would come by and give us a warning.
Alex and I separated ourselves from the others. His hair was wild and I wished he would hug me. Like he had so many times before. I felt an ache where I’d always pictured my heart being as a kid. Right in the center of my chest under my breastbone.
“What was going on there?” Alex asked. “With Syd and the manifesto thing and all that?”
“It’s a long story.” I felt jittery, and my heart was pounding so hard I could feel it in my throat, my wrists. I was about to do something crazy. Why not?
“Is Ella okay?” he asked.
“Yeah, I think so.” I didn’t look to see where she was. All night I’d been paying attention to how everyone else felt. Now I was going to think about what I wanted to do. What I needed. I’d been trying to do the right thing for everyone else, and I kept on screwing it up. I kept on managing to not do what they wanted at all.
“Swing?” I asked him.
“Okay,” he said.
We walked over to the park swings. They were the durable kind, heavy chain-link with blue plastic seats. Deep grooves were worn into the grass beneath them, and goose droppings littered the ground.
“I always forget how much bird crap there is here,” I said.
“Me too.”
We sat down next to each other and pushed away from the ground and up into the air. “I’m winning,” I said, when I got higher faster, and then we were totally in sync for a couple of back-and-forths. In the rush of the muggy lake-scented air, I lost track of the sounds of the bonfire crackling and people talking behind us. It was me and Alex, our legs dangling in the sky, and that was all.
“We should go back,” Alex said a few minutes later, as we slowed, stopped.
“Yeah.”
He looked at me.
Now or never. It was like making the jump for the first time. I had thought about it so many times. And now I was going to go off the edge. Adrenaline prickled through me in a rush.
I’m going over.
“Let’s try it,” I said. “Let’s go out.”
“Wait,” Alex said.“What?”
“Why not?” I asked.
He turned in his swing so we were looking directly at each other. I couldn’t quite read his expression. “You just broke up with Sam.”
“Well, he broke up with me,” I said. “Technically.” I laughed.It sounded giddy and shaky to my own ears. “Still.” I wasn’t quite sure what was happening. It hadn’t even been a week ago that Alex had suggested this exact thing, and I’d said no. So why wasn’t he happy? Why wasn’t he jumping at this?
“I can’t.”
“Why not?” I was stunned. He’d wanted this, earlier. And Syd had been talking about me and Alex, hadn’t she?He told me he’s into someone else.That’s what she had said, literally minutes ago.
“I can’t.”
He couldn’t even give me a reason? All these years and shared moments? All the ice cream eaten and races run and mini-golf games played and talks at night, and he couldn’t even give me a reason?
“I’m not there anymore,” Alex said. He stood up, the swing chain jangling slightly. “I’ve moved on.”
I started to laugh. I couldn’t help it. I stood up, too, wishing I weren’t laughing, desperate to close the gap I felt growing between us. “Wait. It’s only been a few days. You changed your mind that fast?”
