I always, always do.
134.
once, that night
We pulled into the parking lot by one of the pavilions in Lakeside Park. I could see the red-and-white lights of Verity Ice Cream a couple of blocks away. In the opposite direction, closer to the lake, the bonfire was already going. Music played from a speaker set up on one of the picnic tables.
I waved at Alex, who was near the fire, stacking wood. He nodded at me, his hands busy. Coolness and a deep, watery scent came off the lake. “I’ll meet up with you in a few minutes, okay?” I said to Ella, and she nodded. Morgan was already calling her over.
I headed for the pavilion, where Syd was cueing up music on her phone. “Hey,” she said. Her blond hair was loose, cascading down her back and glinting in the light. I saw her look past me for a moment, and I turned to see Alex still working on the fire, a bunch of guys gathering around him.
“Thanks for taking care of all this,” I said, trying to keep the hurt out of my voice. I didn’t want to get mad at her for arranging things without me. And I understood that she might have wanted a chance to hang out with Alex. An extra reason. Plus, I’d been preoccupied with Sam. First with being with him, then with losing him.
Plus, what was I supposed to do about what Alex had said?
“No problem.” Syd’s voice sounded flat, like it had that day I brought lunch to the river for her and Alex.
“What can I do now?”
“Alex is building the bonfire, and I’m in charge of the music,” she said. Then Syd’s eyes came to life, sparked with an idea, looked more like the Syd I loved. “Actually, can you read the manifesto when we get started? We’re going to do that instead of teaching them a song or whatever.”
“What about the guys?” I asked. “The manifesto’s not really for them.”
“It’ll be fine,” Syd said. “Alex has something planned for them.”
“Okay,” I said. “But I didn’t bring a copy of it.”
“I’ve got one left in my car,” Syd said. “In the glove compartment.” She tossed me her keys.
“Awesome.” I lingered, but there wasn’t anything else.
“That’s it,” she said, cheerfully. Was it just me, or were we still disconnected? We’d texted about the breakup with Sam, sure, but this was the first time we’d seen each other in person. Didn’t she want to give me a hug? Ask me how I was doing? I wanted her to do that.
And I wanted to ask her,Why have we been off lately?
What have I done or not done?
Who can I be, or not be, to get you to love me again?
135.
now
Again, I have the sense of someone just ahead of me, disappearing around a corner before I do.
“Syd,”I whisper.“Alex. Sam. Ella. Jack. Mom. Dad.”There are other names I could say. Who else is out there?
I’ve almost finished the climb up through the gorge. My heart pounds, my quads scream with exertion, my calves are wire tight.
Are these leaves moving because someone brushed past them moments ago? Someone light as air, fast as the wind, hiding from me? Someone who knows everything, and exactly what clues to leave and actions to take to pull me along. To take me where I don’t want to go.
Who is it?
I think I might know.
I hope I do.
I hope I don’t.
