We film a goodbye scene in the parking lot. I tune out whatever Garrett says. When it’s Umma’s turn to board the bus, I hug her, ignoring all the eyes and cameras trained on us. I let myself be swallowed in the feeling of being small again, of searching for comfort in my parent instead of feeling like I need to be the pillar. Umma’s always been strong. I know this. I just want to be strong for her so that she doesn’t have to be all the time.
“???,”1I mumble.
“?? ????”2she chastises. “I told you already. Winning isn’t everything.”
“But I didn’t come here to embarrass your name and legacy, and if I don’t win, I’m—”
“There is no legacy to uphold here. These games aren’t all we are.” She pulls back and pats my cheek, smiling. “The only name you should worry about making is your own. You don’t need to be a winner to be Seyoon.”
For the first time, the two separate in my mind, and I consider who I am outside of how well I do.
The truth is that I don’t know.
Once all the parents leave, we head back to camp and hardly get a chance to collect ourselves before it’s time for elimination. I think I’m going to be sick for real this time. If I throw up on the campfire, does that make me more sympathetic, or pathetic? I don’t have it in me to lean over and ask Dean how the rest of the challenge went. I’m too ashamed to face him.
The cameras roll, and Garrett launches into his spiel. The slow, ragged beating of my heart drowns out anything he says. I clench my eyes shut and dig my nails into my knees. It’s happening. There’s nothing I can do to stop it.
It’s only when gasps surf the semicircle of contestants that I dare look up. Luke has turned the leaderboard around.
The new scores are revealed.
1st
Carter Moxley
79 pts
2nd
Dean Parker
