“Yeah,” I say. Something blocks my throat, and I have to swallow a few times before I can get any words past it. “She was a grade ahead of me. We became friends because she was the captain of my volleyball team. We were really close, we did everything together, including all the same sports. But, um… when I moved this year, we played against each other for the first time. My team beat hers. I’m really competitive, and I let it get to my head. I was a dick, basically. We haven’t talked since that game.”
Vendredi’s brows furrow. “That’s what broke your friendship?”
“There was… more.”
Not that Amelia would know. Because I didn’t tell her why I had to move. Or about Appa leaving us. I never told her how the last thing he ever said to me was that I disappointed him, not that he loved me. It wasn’t like she didn’t try to be there for me—but I didn’t let her. She called about a million times, but I wouldn’t answer.
Why? Good question. I wish I had a good answer. But the reason is pathetic: I don’t like being the kind of person who needs a shoulder to cry on. That’s all. I hate being weak, someone one who needs help. Aloser. It’s easier being the shoulder. The helper. A winner.
I don’t know why I’m like this. But it’s why I’ve always struggled to cross the boundary of friendly tofriendswith anyone besides Amelia. Maybe it’s why I’m only giving Vendredi a half truth now.
Vendredi steps forward and wraps her arms around me in a hug. I freeze.
“I get it,” she says. “I let my competitiveness get the best of me, too, sometimes.” Vendredi steps back. “It doesn’t matter what you’re trying to prove by being here, or to who. All that matters is you’re here now, right?”
The thing blocking my throat rises, coating my tongue in acid. Guilt. I wish I wasn’t like this. Because I want to cross the boundary offriendlywith her too. I learned the hard way with Amelia that the only way to do that, though, is to give more than half truths. I think of Umma. What would she want me to do? I know she’s probably worrying about me here, just like I worry about her at home. She wanted me to make friends.
“Right. Thank you, Vendredi,” I say. “You’re… you’re a good friend.”
She beams, and it’s so bright, it washes away some of the bitterness. “I didn’t come here to make any, but you know what? You’re a good friend too.”
I want to be. I hope I can.
22
SUNSHINE, FUNKO POPS, AND RAINBOWS
DEAN
I set my hand of cards down on the mattress with a grunt. “You’re cheating. I know you are. You’re too quiet.”
Seyoon’s face contorts into the most incriminating expression I’ve ever seen. “Howdareyou besmirch my name. I would never cheat.”
“Maybe not in a challenge, sure. But when it comes to gin rummy?” I lean forward and make to grab her cards. She yelps and leans away, scooching to the safety of the other end of her bed. I point my finger at her. “See, an innocent person wouldn’t react that way.”
I knew I shouldn’t have trusted her when she approached me this morning with the battered deck of cards she found beneath her bunk bed. But we had some time to kill before everyone finished getting ready for the day. Seyoon’s hard to say no to, anyway. Not like I wanted to. She doesn’t need to know that I’ve come to genuinely enjoy her company. Her ego’s big enough as it is, thanks.
Seyoon shows off her toothy grin and fans herself with her cards. “It’s not cheating. It’s, uh… Portland rules. Yeah, this is always how we play. You should get familiar if you want to move to my city.”
I’m about to tell her where she can shove her Portland rules when the cabin door bursts open. Everyone in the room jumps. Carter stands in the doorway, dripping lake water.
“Okay,” he says, an eerie calmness to his voice despite his facial muscles twitching with rage. “Who wants to die?”
He is met, predictably, with silence.
“That’s… rhetorical, right?” Adin asks.
Carter storms over to his bunk and shoves Adin’s shoulder. Adin’s too big for it to make much of an impact, but he does pout and rub his arm. Siddharth reaches down from his top bunk and shields him, frowning.
“Was it you, huh?” Carter says. “Did you and your boyfriend move my mattress out in the middle of the night?”
Vendredi snickers from her bunk. Carter whips his head around. He walks over and stands in front of her with his arms crossed. “What’s so funny?”
“You’re tracking lake water in, dude,” Seyoon complains.
He turns to glare daggers at Seyoon. “You know something about this?”
“And if I did? What are you going to do about it… hit me?” She stands, crossing her arms and giving him an amused up-and-down. “That wouldn’t be a very good look for you.”
