“We are. He might not show it to anyone anymore, but he’ll do anything for the people he loves.”
I had witnessed his love for his mother firsthand. The entire reason Luca was doing the show was to make his mum happy, and although that would be considered a grand gesture, Luca was an expert at the small things, too, even if he deniedit.
He didn’t love me, but he never failed to ensure I was cared for. He delivered me my favorite coffee, knew my favorite foods, sent me a song that he thought I might like, drove us to the beach, collected my costume from Wardrobe every week so I didn’t have to make the trek across the studio, carried my skates for me…The list wenton.
“I can tell,” I agreed before adding, “He’s been good to me this season.”
His mother raised a knowing eyebrow.
“Well, most of the season.” I laughed. “He’s really pushed me to start doing things I normally wouldn’t. It’s…nice.”
“I hope you don’t mind, but Luca told me your mother pushed you into the show. Don’t you enjoy it?” She readjusted the blanket laid across herlap.
I paused, glancing around the room momentarily, working out how to respond as I gathered my thoughts. I settled on honesty.
“I hateit.”
Her eyes widened for a moment. Then she nodded in encouragement for me to continue.
So I did. I filled her in on all the drama surrounding the Olympics, not sparing her a single detail: how my mother had forced me to follow in her footsteps toward the Olympics, the training, the diets, the countless rounds of trials. I told her how she’d shouted atme for days after I’d failed the trials and then ignored me for another week.
Every pent-up emotion, thought, and worry spilled out in a rush. It felt cathartic, telling someone who I knew understood what it was like not to be able to sayno.
“And don’t get me wrong, I love skating. But the show is just too much,” I explained, crossing my legs and fiddling with my ponytail. “I find it too stressful—the hours, meeting new people every season, the choreography, and being on live TV. I’m just too scared to let my family and the channel down.”
She nodded knowingly. “Has Luca told you about my marriage to his father?”
I nodded and her face softened with understanding.
“Well, I was the same. I couldn’t tell him no, and I did everything he asked because I thought it would make him happy. I got this temporary buzz from making someone else feel good. But after a while, I started to feel angry and unfulfilled, because I wasn’t doing whatIwanted to do, only what others wanted of me. I didn’t know how to stop and by that point, it was part of who I was.”
I nodded again, even as tightness grew in my throat. My eyes prickled. “I can’t stand the thought of disappointing people, though. What if I hurt them? At least if I’m only hurting myself, I can manage and control how I feel.”
“But can you, love? Can you manage the feeling of always treating your needs as less important than others’? It’sexhausting.” She held my hand in hers, the kind gesture so similar to how she treated her son that it caused the weight in my chest to grow heavier. She held my gaze and said, “You’re not a bad person for prioritizing your needs, Matilda. Everyone is responsible for their emotions, and disappointment is part of life.”
“It feels so hard to remember that, though.”
“I wish I’d worked harder on it when I was younger.” She gaveme a sad smile. “It shouldn’t take a terminal diagnosis to start living your life how you want. Life is too short to waste it on pleasing everyone else around you. I might have been given a specific timeline, but we’re all on a timeline, really. Don’t wait until the last minute to live your life exactly as you wantto.”
“But what if I upset someone?”
“There’s that famous saying: ‘I don’t regret the things I did do, I regret the things I didn’t.’ You knowit?”
I nodded, and she squeezed my hand.
“It’s not always true for people like us. I don’t regret the times I said no; I regret the times I said yes, because it ultimately cost me my happiness. I missedsomuch and lost so many of my dreams, my peace—all because of what? Because I didn’t want to disappoint anyone, and I wanted people to likeme?”
I didn’t know what to say. I knew she was right. Standing up to my family earlier had felt good, even though it had upset them.
“Take Luca, for example. Do you think you’ve upset him or said something he disagreed with?”
A small smile tugged at the corner of my lips. “Definitely.”
She mirrored my expression. “Since the press event.”
“Probably? I don’t know. But even if I have, he doesn’t ever seem annoyed.”
“Exactly. But even if he was upset about something, or annoyed or disappointed, that’s just part of life. You can’t control how other people feel, no matter how hard you try. Look at you and your mother.”
