“Nothing’s going on with us.” I mirrored her, crossing my arms.
“I haven’t said anything, Matilda, but I wassodisappointed to see you kissing him. Especially as he was so rude to me after your fall,” Mum admonished, animosity flaring in her eyes. “The kiss was so tacky. I know you are worried about not winning another season, but it isn’t winning if you have to get there through cheap stunts and not skill.”
I visibly balked. The only reason I’d started on the stupid show was so she would finally get off my back. Until I’d realized that I could use the winner’s bonus to finally set myself free, I hadn’t even cared whether I won ornot.
“It’s so transparent, too. Everyone knows it was a publicity stunt. I mean, you’ve seen the women he usually dates…” Laurenchipped away at my self-esteem.
“Are you joking?” I demanded, narrowing my eyes. “Why are you so insistent on insulting me all the time?”
“What has gotten into you?” she sneered. “I am not insulting you; I am telling you the truth like a good sister would. You’re just so insecure that you read every bit of constructive criticism as an insult.”
“How is that constructive criticism, Lauren?”
“I am trying to save you from any more media carnage. If I can tell it’s fake, surely they can too.”
“I don’t think it’s fake,” Taylor interjected, and my heart cracked a little more.
“Lauren’s right, Matilda,” Mum joined in, ignoring Taylor. “It is completely transparent, and you don’t want to tarnish your name by trying to win through popularity.”
“Why is it so hard to believe that Luca might actually be interested inme?”
Having people constantly remind me of the insecurity that had been living in my mind rent-free for the past few weeks was starting to grate on my last nerve.
If my own family didn’t believe I was good enough, who else would?
I naively glanced to my father for backup, but he continued staring at his plate.
“Do you see what you’re doing?” My sister dropped her cutlery onto her plate, the sound sharp against her exaggerated exhalation of patience. “You accuse me of insulting you, but you’re literally asking me to tell you why Luca wouldn’t be interested in you.”
“Both of you, stop. Lauren, stop antagonizing your sister. Matilda, she’s just trying to be honest with you. You have to think logically here. You don’t want to get distracted by some fling and ruin your skating dreams.” Mum softened her voice, but it didn’tstop the tremor in my hands. “I just don’t want you getting wrapped up in any drama with him. You have to think about your career.”
You have to think about your career.She meant I had to think about the career she’d been trying to ram down my throat since the day I was born.
“How do you even know that I want anything with him?” I demanded.
Her look of pity made me want to scream.
“It’s obvious you do. We’ve all seen the cutaways and the pictures of you two. You look at him like he’s holding the world.”
I wanted to deny it so badly, but I’d also seen the pictures and the videos. I was sure Luca looked at me with some semblance of want, but maybe I was wrong.
“Think about your career,” she repeated, the food all but forgotten.
This—friendship or whatever it was with Luca—was the first time that I was pursuing something just because I wanted to. And because she didn’t approve of it, she was throwing it back in my face.
And it hit me then, what my therapist had said—just how much time I’dwastedattempting to pleaseher.
Even if I did win the show, I’d already wasted so much of my life trying to get there and making myself unhappy in the process. Did it even matter?
Did achieving my mother’s approval—or anyone’s—make my life better?
The rapid thudding of my heartbeat echoed in my ears, building my frustration until I couldn’t ignore it anymore.
“I don’t want to think about my career, Mum! I don’t evenlikebeing on the show. I’m only on it because you want me tobe!”
Although it felt good to say the words aloud, the disappointment and shock covering her face made part of me wish I couldtake them back. But I wasn’t going to—I’d said what needed to be said. She shook her head, and the pit in my stomach deepened, pressing heavier with each passing second.
“Don’t blame this on me.” Her lip curled up, palms pressing against the table. “Youare the one who failed at the Olympics.Youare the one who can’t win a season on the show.Youtook away my figure-skating career,not me.” She gestured to the images and trophies of her achievements on the walls. “That could have been you, butyou aren’t good enough.”
