We were both on our backs, laughing at my expense, which made me feel better.
I’d woken feeling tense and irritable, unable to stop my mind from replaying the evening. Iwantedto ask why he’d had to leave when we’d had such a good evening. I knew the answer, but I wanted him to vocalize it. There’d been this tension between us since we’d started practicing the lifts, which had only thickened the more time we spent together, yet neither of us had acknowledged it aloud.
“He doesn’t think you’re a loser,” she offered. “He’s probably thinking about how tight—”
“Lily!” My cheeks heated, and I pushed her shoulder. “What do I do? What if I turn up today and he’s acting all off again?”
She laughed and gave me a tight hug. “You do what he’s been telling you to do all along! If you turn up today and he’s acting like a wanker, tell him.”
“And if he gets angry?”
“You can tell him you’ve done nothing to warrant his anger and that he specifically asked you to be honest with him, so if Luca is getting all shitty because you’re doing exactly what he asked you to do, then he needs to get a grip.” Lily’s smile was wide and victorious.
I turned over and threw my face into the mattress, groaning, “Why do I feel like this is going to get messy?”
“Because you’re an overthinker. And Mark fucked with your head.”She isn’t wrong.“How’s he been this season?”
“OK, I guess. We’ve had a few tense run-ins but I try to just forget about them, to be honest.”
“I actually hate that guy.”
“Don’t waste your time hating on him, Lils. He isn’t worth it.” And he wasn’t. I felt so indifferent toward him these days that it didn’t bother me when he was purposefully antagonizing or trying to controlme.
Her jaw hinged open. “How can you say that? After you foundhim sleeping with Lauren a week after you broke up? You should still beseethingat him!”
I tried not to think about it. The humiliation. The fact it wasLauren.
Perhaps I should have seen it coming. I had already let their constant flirting go on for far too long, convincing myself it wasn’t worth causing drama. But when I’d caught his palm resting on her upper thigh while they were chatting at a family dinner, a part of me had cracked; not just because of their behavior, but because of how I’d become so used to ignoring my own feelings, all for the sake of keeping others happy.
My therapist’s voice had replayed in my mind as I’d watched them talk:Your worth isn’t defined by how much you sacrifice for others.
I’d known I couldn’t keep ignoring it any longer. When I’d finally confronted Mark, he’d said I was reading too much into things, that he couldn’t be with someone who didn’t trust him—and so he’d endedit.
When I’d found them together a week later, I hadn’t known what to do. Unlike Mark, at least Lauren had had the decency to look guilty as they pulled her sofa throw over their bodies. I’d run—grabbed Taylor’s PE kit that she’d forgotten that morning by the door—and cried the entire way to her school.
Their betrayal had shattered the sense of security I’d found in having a partner and completely knocked my self-esteem. I couldn’t stop wondering what I’d done to deserve a betrayal of this magnitude from either of them.
Lauren and I had had a huge argument about it afterward, but I knew I had to keep the peace. Even though Lauren had broken the unspoken girl code, I couldn’t guarantee that my family would be on my side. Besides, I wasn’t willing to risk my relationship withTaylor or miss being a part of her life because they thought I was holding a grudge or making too big a deal ofit.
You two aren’t together anymore, Matilda. I’m allowed to date who I want.
Lauren had struggled to meet my eyes, but she’d said the words with certainty. Since the divorce three years ago, she’d been unraveling, grabbing at any attention she could. What she’d done was unforgivable, but it was hard not to feel a tiny flicker of pity, even if she’d never admit she was in the wrong.
After that, I’d found my own place to rent and moved out ASAP. I couldn’t find it in myself to live with my mother anymore—especially when it became apparent she wasn’t going to take my side.
Moving out meant that Ihadto keep my job.Stars on Icepaid enough for me to rent my own place, but not many jobs would. Hence why the winner’s bonus would be life-changing.It meant that I might be able to quit, find a job I loved, and use the money as a buffer.
Shaking myself, I tried to recall what Lily had just said.
Ah yes, I should be fuming at Mark.
“It was a year ago now, though. I felt shitty about it at the time,” I offered.
“Not shitty enough to quit the show.”
“You know I couldn’t.”
“I don’t get why you let your mum dictate your life.” Her voice was indignant on my behalf. “Who gives a fuck whether you win a show or not? You found that scumbag with his dick in your sister, and she demands you continue with the show?”
