Since Keith is the devil on my shoulder, I call Delilah as soon as I get back to my hotel room. She’s smart,composed, and always cool as a cucumber. I need some of her composure while dealing with the aftereffects of that kiss with Asher, which completely unraveled me. It left me with aching nipples, soaked panties, and a head full of very inappropriate fantasies and very real fears regarding the future.
After I’ve half-shouted a rundown of the evening’s events, Delilah says calmly, “First, go splash water on your face and take some deep breaths. I can’t deal with any more of your screeching—I already have a headache.”
Okay, fair enough. I set my phone on speaker, go to the bathroom, and do just that.
When Delilah hears the water turn off, she starts speaking again. “You’re not in any violation of the team conduct code. Asher is not your superior. He might beperceivedas such because he’s the driver and you’re the intern, but that isn’t the case—you don’t answer to him, and the hierarchy isn’t set up with drivers at the top. They’re treated mostly as their own entities, separate from the leadership pyramid. All of this is to say, you’re not going to get fired over this, even if the world finds out. And, if the team tried to fire you, you could sue for millions.”
I exhale a breath. “Okay. But I could be seen as fucking my way to the top.”
“That’s always a risk. Another tidbit in the code of conduct is that relationships between teammates are officially acknowledged when they’re shown to be serious and committed. So, if the day comes where you and Asher decide to—”
“There’s no way that’ll happen!”I screech.
“Ifthe day comes,” Delilah repeats, her voice extra icy, “that’s when I’d go public. There’ll still be backlash, but nowhere near as much. For now, you better keep your shit under wraps.”
“Okay.” I think I’m hyperventilating. “But—Delilah—”
“You didn’t do anything wrong,” she says firmly. “Hear me on this, Victoria, you didnotdo anything wrong. You and Asher are obviously attracted to each other, and you acted on it. My only note is to not do it in such a public setting next time.”
“There won’t be a next time!” I pause. “Willthere be? Oh god, I don’t—”
“If you’re going to keep rambling like a drunken gnome, you can call me back once you’ve calmed the fuck down.” Delilah haszerosympathy for my turmoil.
“I’m calm!” I shout.
Delilah pauses for several moments. “You were never like this before,” she observes. “Not with Todd. Not withanyone.” She lets me sit with that knowledge for a full minute in silence.
She’s right. I’ve never been like this with anyone, because nobody has ever twisted me up in knots like Asher fucking Lawrence has.
Todd was pleasant and I enjoyed spending time with him, but he was more like a valued friend that I happened to occasionally kiss and sleep with than a lover. I was never terrifically turned on by him, and the sex was pretty mediocre. Mainly, I slept with him because I knew it was meaningful to him—not because I had a terrible urge to. Iappreciated his company and was mildly saddened when we parted ways.
The same goes for the boyfriends I had in high school, and a few stragglers I went on dates with in my early days of college. Nobody haseverset me on fire the way Asher does.
Nobody’s been as mean to me, either, but I know his anger is a defense mechanism.
“Delilah, I think I might be fucked,” I admit quietly. “I’ve never felt this…invigoratedbefore. Never this challenged and stimulated.”
“Well, that certainly makes one of us,” Delilah sighs. “Is it bad that I’m getting bored of my job already? It’s so…corporate.I thought it would be exciting, but even hostile takedowns are boring.”
“Delilah,focus.I’m having a breakdown over here.”
“You’ll be fine,” she says pitilessly. “At least your life isinteresting.The only interesting part of mine…” she trails off.
My ears perk up, like a Doberman’s when it’s time for a hunt. There’s something in her tone, something morose that I don’t like. “What?” I ask.
“Nothing,” she recovers. “Anyway, keep whatever you have with Asher on the downlow until it’s serious.”
“Ahem.”
“My mistake,ifit becomes serious.” I can practically hear her eye-roll. “You need to get over your confidence issues.”
That feels like a slap to the face. “What?I’m perfectly self-confident!”
“No, you’re not,” Delilah disagrees. “You try to be and you’re good at faking it, but you’ve got some serious scars, sis. From school. From your parents. From your hundred siblings.” She pauses, while I reel as if she’s knocked the breath out of me. “Don’t let fear hold you back from getting what you want. It won’t do you any favors.”
“I… Iamconfident,” I say, but this time the words come out as a question.
But I’m not. Notreally. All of the times I’ve come in second-best constantly haunt me.
