I walked silently beside Avalon as she spoke. She was different, even to the girl I met back in Eaglehoth; she’d seemed so unsure of herself back then. Now, she was happily talking about flowers and animals and the guys she seemed to have by the heartstrings. Just like the epsirialle flowers she was pointing out, she seemed to have bloomed in the darkness.
We finally came across the infamous swing, just ropes through a large plank of wood, and she sat down happily. “We could probably both fit?” she suggested dubiously, with good reason. She’d have to sit in my lap for that to work, and I doubted my lap would behave itself, if that was the case.
“It’s fine, Avalon. I’ll stand.”
Kicking off with her feet, she swung gently. “I heard you talking with Baroness Taeme, about maybe not taking back the mantle of Baron when this is all over. Have you given much thought to what you might do instead?”
I tried not to smile. “Not particularly.”
She looked up at me, swinging back and forth. “But you’ll probably want to return home, right?”
“Perhaps, unless some other place calls to me more.” The bark of the tree at my back was rough, even through the fabric of my shirt. “Much like you, I imagine, Eaglehoth may be my homeland, but it never felt much like home.”
Sadness flitted across her face, but it was chased away just as fast. “We make an interesting group, don’t you think? All sad creatures without a home. You, me, Vox—we’re all proof that people are far more important than bricks and mortar when it comes to finding your place. Then there’s Lierick, whose whole Line lost their home, but made another together.” Kicking off her shoes, she let her toes brush across the grass. “I’m beginning to think that perhaps Hayle is the only well-adjusted one amongst us. I had hope for you, though,” she teased.
“Sorry to disappoint,” I deadpanned back, and her soft laugh echoed around the night sky.
“Never a disappointment, Zier.” She hesitated, her mouth opening, but closing again just as quickly.
She continued to swing in the evening breeze, and I continued to watch her like she was the most fascinating beingin the universe. In the shadowed lighting of the courtyard, she seemed even more ethereal.
“Zier, I?—”
“Avalon—”
She laughed and shook her head. “You go first.”
Pushing off of the tree, I came to stand in front of her, gripping the ropes that kept the swing suspended. “I’m not sure I can give you what they give you.” The words tasted like missed opportunities, but I had to be honest with her. What she had with Taeme and Vylan, even with Lierick, and all the sharing... It didn’t feel like it could come naturally to me.
She blinked up at me with big eyes. “You don’t find me attractive? I mean, it’s understandable, I don’t think I’m irresistible or anything. I’m not sure how I got Hayle in the beginning, let alone Vox and Lierick. I’m not saying I’m ugly either; I’m not fishing for compliments, but like, I’m not universally attractive, and you shouldn’t feel?—”
I cut her off by kissing her. It was just a soft brush of my lips across hers, but it had the desired effect of making her self-deprecation stop. It had also the undesired effect of making me want to do it again. And again.
“You’re beautiful, and I want you more than I’ve wanted anyone in a long time. That’s not the problem.”
She tilted her head up at me, her lips still slightly parted, begging me to kiss her again. It took every ounce of my willpower to resist. “Then whatisthe problem?” she breathed.
“I’m far too old for you?—”
She scoffed. “You aren’t that much older.”
“Nearly a decade.”
She waved a hand. “They marry off women to men three times as old as they are in my Line. Our age gap is nothing.”
I frowned down at her. “But are those women happy?”
She shrugged, like happiness was a byproduct and not the actual point. “Statistically, I’m sure some of them are.”
“What I’m trying to say is that I don’t think the relationship you’re building is one that I could be happy with. I’d want you all to myself, and that would create issues.”
I watched her face fall, like her heart was breaking, and I wanted to punch myself in the face. I’d happily let Vylan do it at his earliest possible convenience. She sucked in a deep breath, even as her shoulders curled in a little, and forced a smile. “That’s okay.”
“Avalon…”
She lifted a hand. “No, seriously. It’s okay. I’m not conceited enough to think that having part of me would be enough for everyone, and I’d never give any of them up. Why should I expect you to give up your dream of an ideal relationship for me?” She stood, squeezing my arm. “Thank you for telling me. At least we can still be friends, right?”
The idea of being friends was like a knife through my chest. “Of course.”
