“Wait! How do you know him? You said at the hospital his name is Kairos and just now that I have a guardian on my side. You mean…like, an angel? I know you believe in the strangest things, but seriously? Angels on Mackinac Island??” I shake my head in disbelief as she tilts her head down, peeking at me over her glasses.
“He might pull out his dagger if you call him an angel, but yea, something like that.” She smiles and winks. “Oh, Nora. You have no idea yet of the unbelievable things that exist in the world, but I guess we can’t keep it from you for much longer.” She smiles, pushing her glasses back up to cover her eyes. “Later. I promise, okay?”
I sigh. “Fine. I’m meeting Ere at home and he’s staying with me tonight, so I’ll call you tomorrow as soon as he leaves.”
She nods, turning and waving over her shoulder as she glides through the coffee shop and leaves.
Things just keep getting stranger. Guardian angels might exist and my best friend acts like it’s no big deal. Maybe she understands what the hell is happening to me. She doesn’t seem surprised by the terrifying things I’ve told her, that’s for sure. What else does she know and why the hell hasn’t she told me? I never knew Katie was one to keep secrets, and honestly, I’m a little hurt that she’s been keeping things from me. We’re best friends. We don’t lie or keep secrets, it’s just not who we are. The thinking and wondering will have to wait until later. I need to head home before I’m late.
Being with Ere, the comfort of his arms around me and his calming energy, always makes everything better. He’s exactly what I need right now.
A knock at the door has me on my feet and smoothing out the wrinkles on my red dress in seconds. I hide my romance novel in a drawer of the coffee table before rushing to let Ere in. Last time he saw me reading one of my books, he laughed and said love in novels is written unrealistically, giving women false expectations of men. For me they’ve always been an escape. A way to disconnect from the real world and get lost in another. He doesn’t get it. Now, those romance novels are my dirty little secret.
I swing open the door and he smiles like I’m his favorite person in the world, the way he always does. Before I can even lock the door, he pulls me into his arms, lifting my feet off the floor and swinging me in a circle as I giggle and wrap my arms around his neck.
“I’ve missed you.” His hands settle on my waist as warm golden eyes melt into mine and every part of me forgets about everything except for him. “I’m sorry I had to leave after I spent that night at the hospital with you. Work has been particularly busy lately. Too much going on at once.”
When my feet are back on solid ground, I run my hands down the smooth muscles of his biceps all the way down to his forearms. I pull back slightly, admiring the look of his tan skin in the black tank top he wears.
“I’ve missed you, too.” I smile as he leans down, his soft lips brushing against mine as he kisses me. “I get it. Bosses are busy. You always come back to me, and that’s what matters.”
Ere lives and works an hour away in St. Ignace, but he used to come here often to party with his contractor work friends. It’s how we met. How he ended up at the same psychiatric hospital as me. Too many late-night bingers for him and a downward spiral into drugs which led to his mental collapse. He checked himself into the hospital. He knew he needed to get better. Hooking up with him was meant to be a one-time thing, but after that first night together I couldn’t get him out of my mind. I pushed him away at first, but he was persistent and sweet and ultimately, I couldn’t resist him.
Now his island visits are just for me.
Leaning his forehead against mine, he stares into my eyes and breathes in deep. “Let’s see,” he says, and my breath catches in my throat as swirls of gold hypnotize me. “You want me to make pancakes again. Really?” He laughs softly.
That sound is something I’ll never get tired of hearing. The muscles in his arms flex as he places his hands on my shoulders and pulls me in for a quick kiss, before turning and heading to the kitchen. I do want pancakes, but I always do when he’s here. No one makes them better than Ere.
He rummages through my cabinets while I set the table and then lean my elbows on the island and admire him as he whips up the most delicious pancakes in the world. As he sets our plates down, I choose my seat and then he slides into the one in front of me, the chair now looking minuscule compared to his large frame.
“You have no idea how beautiful you truly are, do you?” Reaching across the table, he intertwines our fingers and looks at me as if he’s seeing me for the first time.
This is why I care about him as much as I do. It doesn’t matter what darkness lingers in the back of my mind, with him it’s hard to feel it there. All I think about or feel is him. Nothing else exists.
“Thanks, Ere. You have no idea how sweet you are, do you?” I smile, biting my lip and enjoying the thrill of seeing his eyes drift down to my mouth as he watches me.
“How’ve you been, my love?” His eyebrows scrunch up in that way they do when he knows something is wrong but also knows I’m trying to hide it. His shaggy black locks flow like a curtain over his eyes and he brushes it back away from his face. The way his eyes melt into pools of liquid gold as he watches me makes it hard to look away.
I can never escape the trance he seems to put me in.
“I’m okay, Ere. I’ve been better, but I’m happy you’re here to distract me. How have you been?” I swallow thickly, hoping he’ll let it go and not expect more than I’m willing to tell him.
How can I tell him I believe something or someone has been fucking with my mind and wanting me to off myself? I can’t. He’ll panic and worry that I’ve snapped again and that I’ll end up back in the psych ward any day now. There’s no point in dragging anyone else into this. I’ll figure it out.
Freeing my hands, he relaxes into his chair, throwing one arm over the back. “I wish you trusted me more, Nora. I’ve known you long enough to sense when something is wrong. Why don’t you just tell me what it is?” He shakes his head, glancing up at the ceiling. “We can’t make this work if there are secrets...” The muscles in his face twitch as he forces his mouth to stop moving.
I’m sure he has much more he’d like to say, but he tends to keep things inside to spare my feelings. To not make me feel bad even when I should. He’s not wrong, though. Secrets and lies wrap around a relationship and slowly squeeze the life out of it until there’s nothing left. Still… there are things I can’t tell him yet, mostly because I don’t understand them myself.
I sigh, crossing one leg over the other and sitting up straighter. “I’m… I still struggle some days, Ere. Sometimes I wonder if I’m too much for you. If you might be better off without me in your life. I don’t know how you deal with me.” My eyes burn and my throat is too dry, and suddenly I feel like I’m drowning all over again.
Ere is perfect and I’m anything but. I tried hard to push him away in the beginning for that reason. I was scared I’d drag him down into my darkness alongside me. He helps me accept all the broken, messed up parts of myself, but at times it’s hard for me to appreciate all the beauty and kindness he has within him, because I’m so messed up. Most of the time I truly believe he deserves better.
“No,” he growls, leaning closer and placing his elbows on the table. “I’m a better man because of you, Nora. I love you. I know you refuse to say it because you’re scared, but I know you love me, too. All I want is for you to accept every damaged, dark piece of yourself for what they are, and to feel your feelings for me fully, but you refuse. I deal with you, my love, because I can’t live without you. I won’t do it.” He brushes his hair out of his face with one hand, and I watch as it falls back down, framing his perfect jaw line.
I shake my head at his words. They’re not true. There’s so much wrong with me. Too many things to name. Every time he tells me he loves me it breaks my heart, because although I know how I feel about him, my mind is chaotic and unstable, and I need to heal before I fully let him in. I need to know how I feel with a sane mind and a heart that’s not locked up for fear of losing someone again.
I can’t lose him too.
