He looked past her shoulder into the gathering blue-gold twilight.“I was wrong.”
“You should not have come.”Her voice shook, snatching his gaze back to her.“You should have stayed in England.Or if you had to be in Holstein, then you ought to have stayed away from me.”
“I know that.”The anguish in his chest made his voice rough.“Every rule of honor, every principle I claim to hold, they all say the same thing.You are betrothed.You are forbidden to me.I have no right to even speak your name, let alone —”
He stopped, dragging a hand through his hair.“But knowing and doing are not the same thing.Apparently.”
“What do you want from me?”The question came out as a plea.“What can I possibly give you?I am promised to Friedrich.The contract has been drawn up.”She finished her sentence on a breathy whisper.
“Has it?”he paused, staring at her helplessly.Already a member of Parliament, one day, when his father’s title became his, he would be in the House of Lords.He was already powerful, even before he claimed the earldom.He was well-liked by many of his peers and most of the ladies of theton.Jonathan had always assumed he could have any single woman he wanted.
“A marriage contract is a serious thing.”The words felt like shards of glass in his throat.“I want nothing from you.”He wanted everything from her.“Nothing you can freely give.”
Taking a step closer, he could see the rapid rise and fall as she breathed, the way her hands fidgeted with her shawl.“I came here because I am a damned fool who cannot accept what cannot be changed.”
“Then we are both fools,” she said softly.
The admission hung between them, fragile and dangerous.
Jonathan glanced up the path.Her parents were even farther now.The lantern-lighter had worked his way back toward the house.They had perhaps two minutes by themselves, maybe less.
Not enough.Never enough.
“Lise,” he said, and her name was a benediction and a curse.“Tell me you feel nothing.Tell me London was just a lesson in curiosity to you.Tell me you are content with your betrothal, that you want to marry this man, and I will leave you in peace.I shall finish my work here and go back to England and you’ll never see me again.”
She stared at him, and he could see the war being waged behind her cerulean eyes.Duty and desire.Honor and need.
“I cannot tell you that,” she said at last, and her voice broke on the words.“God help me, I cannot.”
Something in Jonathan’s chest eased.Her admission was a small victory.At the same time, he knew he should walk away.Should bow, step back, and continue walking, content to know that he hadn’t imagined the pull of attraction.Instead, he took hold of her hand and plunged between two of the copiously blooming hydrangea bushes.
Lise gasped as they reached the other side.Turning to face her, not releasing her hand, he squeezed it gently.
“I am not alone in this madness, am I?”Jonathan asked, low and urgent.“Do you lie awake at night remembering?Tell me that you do.”
“Yes.”The word came out harshly, almost angrily.“Yes, I remember.Yes, I think of it.Ofyou.Every day since London.Every night!”She pulled her hand free and pressed her palms to her face.“I am betrothed.I am promised.And yet I cannot ...I do not —”
“You don’t want him.”It wasn’t a question.Jonathan felt the constraining band of tension he’d carried since the London Tavern crack and release completely with this second greater victory.
“No.”The admission seemed wrenched from her.“No, not the way I —.”She straightened and shook her head.
“Marrying him never bothered me before.”Her tone was ragged, accusatory.“It was simply what was going to happen.I have obligations.Duties.My father would never want to insult his old friends, the Albrechts.My family thinks —”
“Damn your family.”The words came out harsh, and he regretted them instantly.“No.I don’t mean that.Not at all!Forgive me.Your parents are wonderful people.Henrik is brave and loyal.But damn this situation.Damn the contract and the obligations and the whole bloody tangle of it.”
“Jonathan,” she began.
His name from her lips should have thrilled him, the intimacy of it, but he was too concerned with managing the current state of affairs to his liking.
“I would ask your father for your hand,” he said, the words tumbling out before he could stop them.Rash, considering how little time he’d spent in her company.Necessary, seeing as how she already represented warmth and pleasure that he knew he didn’t want to live without.
“If there is any chance that you will simply tell Herr von Ostenfeld you prefer me to Albrecht, then I will speak to him and explain how a contract is not worth your future happiness.I will go to him tonight, if you’ll let me.What father would turn down an earl’s heir?Everything I have, I will gladly give to you.Everything I am —”
“Stop.”She reached out, her hand landing on his chest, directly over his racing heart.“Please.You are making this harder.”
“Good,” he said fiercely.“It should be hard.It should be impossible.You should not have to marry a man you don’t want.You shouldn’t even consider sacrificing yourself on the altar of your family’s convenience.It’s medieval!”
“That’s not fair.”Her hand curled into a fist against his coat.“You don’t understand the situation.Friedrich’s family has influence.”
