He nodded. “I think that’s understandable. Many a beautiful young lady has toyed with the hearts of the men who pursue her. It has happened to me. However, when we met, you were refreshingly the opposite.”
“Because I learned my lesson. Although I admit, I was frightened by how quickly I became captivated with you, and how much I wanted you to kiss me.”
He smiled wryly. “After the first time, when you punched me.”
“The first kiss was heavenly,” she agreed, “but I thought you were playing with me. And I was angry with myself for enjoying it. I thought I was slipping into my old ruinous, immature ways.”
“Go on with your story, Alice. You allowed Fairclough to take liberties. Then what?”
“Nothing too appalling,” she protested, feeling the need to defend herself. “I’m not a light-skirt!”
“I know that,” he said quietly.
“But how do you know? I might’ve been, yet I vow I wasn’t. I let him and the others kiss me more than once because I likedfeeling adored. I confess I mistook their advances for love. I had never felt special or cherished at home.”
“I can hear in your voice you aren’t making a hollow excuse, simply stating the truth as you lived it. I warrant loving parents make a difference.”
Alice nodded, appreciating his understanding. “Richard said all the right things to keep me interested. But I don’t know whether I would have accepted his proposal if I hadn’t been forced to do so by the situation. In fact, I rather think not.”
He blinked, and she hoped she wasn’t causing her husband undue distress, deciding to hurry to the bitter ending.
“His brother is incorrect, exaggerating terribly. There was certainly not a line of men waiting to kiss me.”
“Only one per night?” Adam asked wryly.
She was relieved to hear a more familiar teasing tone.
“Richard monopolized my attention that night. We were caught alone together in a buttery of all places. Given the nature of the room, I was tipsy, and he was well in his cups when we were discovered. I was relieved and grateful when he offered for me the following morning. In retrospect, I believe he didn’t care if we got caught, despite his being engaged. He was infatuated with me, probably thought I had a large dowry, as large as Lady Mary’s, and he feared I was becoming more interested in another man.”
“And were you?” Adam asked.
She shrugged. “Honestly, they were all the same to me. I didn’t care greatly for any of them. I craved their attention as a rosebush needs water.”
He looked more understanding than she’d expected.
“And thus, you married without love,” he said.
“Indeed. I certainly didn’t love Richard. Even if I had been inclined to do so, he very quickly changed —”
“Doubtful,” Adam interrupted. “More likely, he showed you who he truly was once he had you lawfully wed.”
“I suppose,” she agreed. “And I didn’t care for the man he was. Embarrassing in public, disrespectful and sometimes mean in private, always drunk, and not the least bit interested in me as a person. It was a frightening, lonely year and a half.”
Adam stayed silent.
“From the outset, as soon as I entered society, I did not behave in a manner to protect myself. If I had, I never would have ended up with him. Within a month of the wedding, I decided I deserved it.”
He still said nothing. While Alice felt rueful and responsible, she had hoped Adam would say it wasn’t her fault. “You cannot gainsay me, can you?”
“No, it’s not that,” Adam promised. “I am trying to think of a way to convince you that it’s not a question of whatsoever you deserve. You are not the only person to be tricked or forced into marriage. Nor are you the only person to marry a degenerate through no blame of your own.”
“That’s the thing. I was to blame. Had I been watched over like Lady Susanne —” She broke off. “No, that’s not the issue. Had I cared more about my self-respect than impressing the eligible gentlemen, then I wouldn’t have ended up as Richard’s wife. Previously, I didn’t tell you about my behavior because with the hindsight of marriage and widowhood, I can say I have matured at last. I am also grateful.”
Adam leaned back, looking more relaxed than he had when they began the conversation.
“How so?”
Alice had managed to stop pacing, and now, she stood before the man she adored.
