When he hauled her tightly against him, as he’d wanted to do for the past week or more, he was surprised she didn’t immediately come to her senses and pull away. Ever since they were kids, they’d been so watchful, so careful not to cross this line. Straying from the friendship they’d always had was risky, even now. And yet she not only parted her lips, but she also moaned when her tongue met his.
Such an enthusiastic response nearly caused his knees to buckle. He’d expected to enjoy kissing Charlotte if he ever got the chance, but he’d never dreamed the pleasure would be quite so overwhelming. He’d been filled with such despair since his diagnosis that the hormones ripping through him in that moment created a slingshot effect, taking him higher than he’d ever been.
“God, I love the way you kiss,” she muttered, her lips still against his as she spoke. “I should’ve known you’d be good at this. You’re good at everything.”
Except self-control, apparently. Somewhere in the dim recesses of his mind, he knew he was doing her a disservice. She didn’t know there was something terribly wrong with him, didn’t know that she’d only wind up feeling disappointed and betrayed in the end. He didn’t want to blindside her with the terrible news he’d been hiding—wasn’t ready to face it himself. He’d promised himself he wouldn’t have to deal with it here. Italy was his last chance at normalcy before he had to face everyone finding out and deal with the pity that would inspire.
So after several even more feverish kisses, when he felt her hands go up his shirt and was tempted to put his hands up hers, he gathered the strength to step away.
She was breathing heavily and so was he. “What is it?” she asked, blinking up at him. “What’s wrong?”
“We can’t do this, Char. It’s only going to get us into trouble.”
Her eyebrows drew together. “In what way?”
When he didn’t answer immediately, she said, “If you’re worried about Cliff, I don’t care what he thinks. I’m more heartbroken over my own failure—after giving my marriage my absolute best—than I am over losing him.”
“But the devil you know is better than the devil you don’t? Is that why you’re tempted to take him back?”
“Loss is complicated, Jules. Sometimes it makes you second-guess yourself. But I know I could never really trust his love again, so I’d be miserable, which means it would never work even if I tried to force it.”
“Still. It’s brand-new. It wouldn’t be wise to get involved with someone else so soon.”
“I can see why you’d say that,” she allowed. “And maybe you’re right. Regardless, I don’t want to screw up again—definitely don’t want to do anything that could possibly ruin our friendship. You mean too much to me.”
“I feel the same.” He leaned his forehead against hers, wishing he could act on the spark they felt, fan it into something hot and fierce and all-consuming, and then take care of her like a partner should. Especially if it meant keeping her away from Cliff, who he was convinced would just hurt her again.
He would’ve gone for it—if he could. But he couldn’t allow himself to be that selfish. If he really cared about her, he’d protect her from being shackled to someone she’d just have to take care of when his health began to deteriorate. “If only things were different.”
“Why are you talking as if it’s too late?” she asked. “Why are you acting as if it could never happen?”
“You’re not in the right situation.” That was an excuse, and he knew it.Hewas the one who wasn’t in the right situation. But he had to say something, and he wasn’t ready to tell her the truth. She and Sloane were dealing with enough already. Why would he ruin their trip to Italy?
She looked torn, uncertain. “So maybe later...”
“Maybe. Let’s give it some time,” he said and felt his chest tighten painfully because he knew it was time that was working against him.
chapter 21
When Charlotte woke up the next morning, her mouth tasted of stale sugar and wine and her skull throbbed behind her eyes. “Damn it. What’d I do?” she said aloud. Then the memory of kissing Julian rose in her mind, and she realized drinking too much wasn’t the worst of it. Thank Godhe’dput a stop to what they’d been doing. There was no telling how far she would’ve gone. She’d suddenly been willing and eager to make love with him, which was beyond shocking. He was her best friend’s brother! Her longtimefriend! And she wasn’t even out of her marriage yet.
“Hey, you!” Coffee drifted up from the kitchen as Sloane cracked open the door and leaned through.
Charlotte managed to rise up on her elbows, but the sight of her best friend nearly made her curse silently. What wouldshethink about that kiss?
Charlotte didn’t want to find out, so she wasn’t going to tell her. She could only hope Julian made the same decision. “Hey,” she responded, and gingerly slid back down to lay her head on the pillow.
Concern entered Sloane’s expression as she came into theroom. “What’s wrong with you? Are you sick? I thought you’d be up writing by now.”
Charlotte wished she’d lower her voice, but didn’t really care to explain why, so she didn’t ask. “I’m okay,” she said, trying to speak as loudly as she usually did. “Just... slept in a bit. Is Jules up?” She couldn’t help wondering whathewas thinking about what happened last night.
“Not yet. He’s been keeping some really late hours.”
“He doesn’t seem to be sleeping much,” she agreed.
“And sometimes, if you look at him when he doesn’t know you’re doing it, he’ll have this far-off expression on his face, as if he’s... lost.”
“What do you mean?”
