Maybe her offer to take Lilly had only been an attempt to placate him, something that was easy to offer since she’d known it would never happen.
“Less of a sacrifice than giving her up,” she replied.
He said nothing—couldn’t speak. He didn’t want to say something he’d regret later. Of course Sloane had been sincere. It was terrible of him to suspect otherwise. That was his hurt talking. What was happening right now washisfault. He’d let his hopes get up way too high even though he’d warned himself that this could happen.
While cleaning out the spare bedroom, he’d imagined taking Lilly school shopping, reading out loud—she was a little old for that, but he’d hoped she’d still allow it—and helping with her homework. There were so many books he wanted to share with her—Tolkien, Sachar and a dozen others. He wanted to attend Back to School nights and cheer her on as she learned and developed. Andsheprobably wouldn’t be too excited about this, but he was also looking forward to having her help him with the yardwork because he remembered bonding with his father as they clipped and mowed and weeded.
In retrospect, working together had been more rewardingthan playing together. Those were the times his dad quietly taught him so many lessons, and it was those lessons that’d molded him into the man he was today.
Now the dream of being a father like his own was shattered. Already. He felt sick.
“Ben?” Sloane said.
“I’m here,” he replied.
“You seem to be taking the news pretty hard, babe.”
“Yeah, well, I’m disappointed. I wanted her to come. Ireallywanted her to come.” What he didn’t add was that, as much as he loved Sloane and could never let her go, his life was starting to feel empty without children. If that hadn’t been the case, he would’ve quit asking for them long ago. He didn’t know why he seemed to need them, and why she didn’t. He couldn’t explain that, but he knew it wasn’t going to be easy for him to go through life without kids.
That was exactly what he’d have to do, however, because he couldn’t give up the woman he loved, either.Fuck.
Apparently, it was fate that he’d get what he most wanted on the one hand—a wonderful partner to share his life with—and not on the other.
“I’ve got some things to do here,” he said, eager to get off the phone. He was the one who’d made the decision to remain in their marriage and accept what it meant. He needed to abide by his choice gracefully. “I’ll have to call you later.”
There was a long pause. Then she said, “Before you go, I want to tell you that... that meeting Lilly and getting to know her has... has changed something inside me.”
He didn’t say anything. He could barely listen. He just wanted to get off the phone.
“Did you hear me?” she asked.
His coffee had gone cold in his hand; he hadn’t noticed.“Yeah. I heard you. But is there any way we could talk about this later?”
“Sure, I just... It’s the weekend.”
“I know.”
“And…since you don’t have to work, I thought you might like to spend some of the day turning the bedroom you just cleaned out for Lilly into a nursery.”
He wasn’t sure what he’d been expecting her to say, but it certainly wasn’t that. He blinked. “Excuse me?”
“I told you—Lilly changed something in me, Ben. I’ve decided I want to have a baby.Yourbaby.”
Sucking air in between his teeth, he held himself perfectly still. He was afraid to react for fear she’d retract that statement.
“Hello?” she said. “Are you still there?”
“Do you mean it?” he finally asked in response, barely able to squeeze the words out of his tight throat.
“I know how much a baby would mean to you. I wouldn’t have said it if I wasn’t completely committed.”
“But you’re not doing it just for me, are you? I don’t want you to resent it later. Pregnancies are hard. So is raising children—”
“I know the risks, honey. I’ve continuously listed them off to myself for the past few years. But I’ve decided that, yes, having a child is hard—but it’s also worth it. I’m finally ready. Just in the nick of time,” she added with a laugh. “I’m not getting any younger.”
The lump in Ben’s throat made it almost impossible for him to speak. “I miss you so much,” he said. “I would’ve stuck by you. I hope you know that.”
“Idoknow that. And now I’ll let you get off the phone. I have to go myself. I promised Lilly we’d go to the beach, so she’s waiting for me.”
