It makes me hate myself. But I say nothing, just wait for my heart to stop beating out of my chest and my breath to calmdown. It was stupid of me to forget I’m broken. Completely. Irreparably.
How can I let myself believe I can have a healthy relationship with someone like him? Someone who’ll always have so much power over me. And not just because he’s stronger.
Stupid of me to feel safe when I have no control here.
Nicholas pads to the kitchen, leaving me alone. I take a deep breath. The bed still smells like him. He’s everywhere. Ican’tseem to escape.
I take the glass of water he brings to my trembling hand and gulp it down. He doesn’t help, just stands a little distance away. His face uncertain, his body gloriously shirtless in the backdrop of faint light streaming through the windows.
Not the time to lust after Nicholas’s abs, Elliot.
I sigh after I’ve placed the glass on the side table. “What time is it?” I ask, my voice comes out all throaty.
Nicholas checks his phone. “Seven thirty,” he says.
That’s surprising. The nightmares wake me earlier than this. But the fact remains, I clearly let myself get too comfortable, leaving myself open to this awkwardness. Now that I think of it, I’ve clearly been slacking off. No wonder Nicholas is close to finding out the truth.
Time to build the walls back up. There’s no point in repairing this anyway, so I ignore the expression on Nicholas’s face. I don’t think I’ll be able to go through with what I need to do if I look at him right now.
I step off the bed and pad towards the bathroom. “I’m fine. Go back to sleep,” I say over my shoulder. I need some time to get myself together, then I can do what I should have done the minute I realized this wasn’t casual anymore.
I slump against the door once it’s closed. I was right about my face being hideous and embarrassing.
That’s safer to focus on. Getting myself together. I decide I need a shower.
After I’ve cleaned myself satisfactorily, I wear my boxer briefs, regretting that I didn’t think of storing clothes in thebathroom. Seems a little inappropriate to break up almost naked. Not that it is a breakup when there was no relationship to begin with.
When I come out of the bathroom with my game face on, Nicholas is all dressed up, standing at the door. “I have to hurry out. Just got a call from Serena. Sorry,” he says. He looks genuinely apologetic, not like he’s trying to escape the inevitable. Not that he would know what’s coming.
This may be better—a cleaner break.
I nod. “Okay.”
He stalks back inside and pulls me into him. I go easily.
The heat of his mouth against mine calms something in me. I close my eyes and focus on the softness of his lips, the way he kisses, so hungry but so gentle. I try to memorize everything, his face, his eagerness, his arms pulling me against him as if he never wants to let go.
For the first time in my life, I don't want to either. So, I break it first, stepping back.
“We’ll talk about it. Tonight, okay?” His intense eyes focus on me.
My throat goes dry. It’s too much. I still nod.
He leans in and drops a kiss on my forehead, then he’s off.
I stand frozen for a long time, letting the warmth of his body, the feel of his lips sear into my skin, my bones. Because I know I’ll never feel it again.
Chapter Twenty Six
Vanishing Acts, Violent Truths, and Very Bad Timing
Nick
Elliot hasn’t replied to any of my texts since I left his house this morning. I want to say it’s typical Elliot behavior, but it’s not. Not lately. He was opening up, slowly but visibly. He’s even stopped grumbling about how I need to give him notice before showing up at his place.
He looked so scared when I left him. The nightmare must have been a doozy. Matt used to get them when we were kids. They left him drained for days. But at least he talked. He said talking about it always helped. But Elliot is an annoying wall when he wants to be, which isalways.
I shouldn’t have left him alone to deal with it, even though he wouldn’t have told me anything. I should still have stayed with him. But Serena called, telling me they had finally located the prime witness of a robbery case we have been working on for weeks. I had come down to interview him.
