“Are you ready to meet your new king?” Linda asks, as an attractive merman winks at me. If four knights had not already taken my heart, I would totally go there.
I straighten my spine. “Absolutely. Is there anything I need to know?”
Frank side-eyes me. “Try to keep your answers short and to the point.”
Right. I can do that. But… “Why?”
“He’s old.”
“So, cranky?” I get it. Old Mother Hubbard was a cranky little woman. Being around longer meant you experienced more bunkum poop.
“No, he’s merely old and powerful.”
Not sure why this combination causes him to enjoy short answers, but I drop the matter and vow to make up my own mind.
Two mermen ahead swing open a pair of huge golden gates, granting us entry into the inner sanctum of the palace. Trumpets sound on our approach. I’ve come up in the realm if I now warrant trumpets.
“Presenting Daphne Stone, the new Lady of the Lake and protector of the wizard.” Excuse me, what?
I blink at Frank. “Are you a wizard?” I mouth.
He shakes his head. “Later.”
A grand marble sweeping staircase rises ahead of us. At the top, a man sits on an enormous throne. Not a merman, but one with legs, like me. He sports a long white beard that matches his hair, both of which float around him in the water, while a short white skirt covers his private man parts. Does he have underwear on? Or does he let it all hang out for fish to see? He carries a huge gold fork, shining with power, in his left hand. Idols above, please tell me that’s for a giant sausage.
Astute eyes that echo the ocean he rules over study me as I slide off of Linda and onto the floor.
“Lady of the Lake, approach the throne,” a male voice booms from the left.
Frank makes a shooing motion, like I need hand signals to follow a simple instruction. Biting back the urge to roll my eyes, I climb the marble staircase and pat myself on my back for remaining upright.
The king tilts his head, and his lips twitch. I glance down, checking I haven’t lost my dress or spilled sauce down it. Which is impossible, given I haven’t yet eaten. My stomach rumbles in agreement.
I pause on the last step and try to figure out what to do. Curtsy? Bow? Wave? Swear allegiance? My brain muddles that together and I perform the weirdest greeting in the realm. I bend my knees, lean over, and wave as I say, “King of the ocean, I am your humble servant.”
“No need for that, Daphne dear.”
Aww, I get a cute nickname? I think I like him. I straighten up and allow him to study me closely as I take in everything about him. He widens his legs and leans forward. That would be a no to the underwear. My gaze snaps to his face. Not sure of the etiquette regarding staring at the king’s sausage. Is it poor form to pay it attention, or an insult to ignore it like it’s not impressive? What do the fish do? There was that one that sucked on my thigh. I gulp. Idols above, I hope that’s not an expectation. There are only eight thighs I want to suck on.
“Tell me how you became the Lady of the Lake.”
I wince. Here goes. “So there’s a king called Arthur in the Hallows.”
“I’m aware.”
I shiver. His voice is dark but booms with a quiet power I’ve never felt. “So, he had this dagger, which I stole for his sons.”
“You make it a habit of stealing weapons?”
I sneak a glance at the big fork before tearing my gaze away from it. “No. However, my sister was imprisoned in a tower by Prince Poopfloof.”
The king blinks, and Frank groans, ducking his head. “Keep it short,” he reminds me.
I glare at him over my shoulder. “I am, trust me.” I turn back to the king. “Anyway, the genie took the dagger, so I accidentallystole it from the brothers.” Damn, I sounded like a thief. “Then I went to a ball, rescued my sister, and we ended up in a cave. A woman emerged from the lake, holding the other half of the dagger. I thought,hey, they should go together,and then boom!” I slap my hands together. “The Lady does a switch, and suddenly, I’m down here with fish in my floof and an empty belly because of the lack of sausage.”
“The sausage that makes you orgasm?” Linda asks.
“No, a different sausage. The kind you eat.”
